Today was pretty nice out. While I was out feeding the chickens I thought I'd do a little yard work as well. I cut down all the old chrysanthemums and shiso. I carried the pile of vegetation back behind the garage where we have a big brush pile. There on top of the pile was a freshly cut cedar. A single leader tree the perfect size for a Christmas tree. Who the hell would be lobbing their spent tree onto our brush pile the day after Christmas? Dh.

Every year we use a potted Norfolk Island pine as our tree. It makes for a very ugly tree but nothing is killed. I hate the idea of killing a tree just for two weeks of decoration. That's the tree hugger in me. So when I found out that the perfect little cedar laying on top of our brush pile was actually the perfect little cedar tree that used to be in our front yard I went ballistic.

Dh cut it down because he didn't want it there anymore. The branches were extending 16 inches into the backyard gate he said. So he hacked it down and threw it away knowing fully well that I would go ballistic when I found out. But, hey, it's too late now so it's not logical to stay mad, right? Right?? That's his logic, not mine. We could have had a perfect Christmas tree this year but he killed the tree for nothing. NOTHING! I'm so pissed.

I now know why some animals chew off their limbs when they're trapped.

Man, I feel like shit. I've been fighting a headache and the urge to spew for the past two days. I was afraid to take my ambien last night and as a result I was still tossing and turning at 5 a.m.
Dh has been pissing and moaning all day because I'm not laughing and having a good time. I'm ruining Christmas. Geez, why not throw a little guilt and pressure my way. That's sure to make this illness flee in mortal terror. He just asked me if I'd like a little 7up for my stomach upset. I said yes. So he brought me the whole 2 liter bottle. No glass. Nice.

We went letterboxing after lunch. We took Blondie, too. I thought the fresh air and exercise would make me feel better. Didn't. The car ride over to the park nearly did me in. Dh was not happy. I made the effort. That should account for something. Doesn't. We didn't find the letterbox either.

I made the artisan bread this afternoon. The dough had been working for 22 hours. Turned out pretty good for my first shot at this recipe. Nice sharp crust, chewy interior with lots of holes. No tang that I can detect though.

All I want to do is take a very hot shower, put on my snuggies and curl up in front of the fire and watch my annual Christmas Eve Bruce Willis movie. And then sleep sleep sleep. No chance of that though.

Oh! You better not post,
if from certain sites,
It's gotta be good,
or you're in for a fight:

AmityMamaDrama is here!

They're making a list,
and checking IPs,
Gonna kick out
members from MDC.

AmityMamaDrama is here!

They see you when you're lurking,
They know when you're online.
They like when you're a sycophant,
So agree and you'll be fine!

So...You better not post,
You better not whine
You better suck up,
and don't cross the line.

AmityMamaDrama is here!

All the lemmings,
the sycophant crew.
STFU
they'll come for you too.

PMs aren't safe
they'll google you too,
They'll bend the rules
it could happen to you.

AmityMamaDrama is here.

The folks from LTG board
remember I&G
The list was quite the drama
from the mole - SCDD.

Oh....You better not post,
You better not whine
You better suck up,
and don't cross the line.

AmityMamaDrama
AmityMamaDrama
AmityMamaDrama
is here!

Merry Christmas everybody!

I made a pot of coffee today. First time in months and months and months. I also tackled the utility/laundry room today. I heard dd refer to it as "the dirty room" recently and thought I better do something about it. What a difference. I rearranged some stuff in there, scrubbed everything down with bleach, dusted, and recycled some stuff. There's actually room to move around now.

Man, this coffee is good! Luzianne and Irish Creme. I'm headed off to the shower to lay some more tile. Why did I ever give up coffee in the first place???? Hmmm, could that be the reason why I'm such a shrew? Nah. ;o)

I hate to lie. Hate it. I avoid it if possible but sometimes it's really not up to me. Not when I have to consider other people. I must confess a lie I made some time back. It was during one of the board crashes. Danica gave us free run of her "soap dish" board. She made me an admin and let me set up a forum for discussion. One time I mentioned 'going back to the 3DBB'. Someone jumped on it and accused us (admin) of having a secret board. We denied it. I said I meant 'back to the drawing board' like the Mr. Peabody and Simon cartoon. I lied. It's ridiculous to expect an admin staff to not discuss board issues in private but people were so wary of the scheming and deceit that was prevalent under the Apiffany reign of terror. I lied and said we conducted board business via email. That was a laugh because loads of times I wouldn't get a response to emails or PMs. So, we had a board. Every once in awhile Camille would get paranoid and move us to a new board. We had a yahoo group at one time. The latest was an Invisionfree board. We were on that one the longest. I'm not on it anymore. I deleted myself when I left as admin at MD. It's probably gone now. I couldn't even access it without a direct link in an email. If I typed the url in my browser it would never come up. It was called divas_digs.
That lie has been bothering me for a long time. We may even have had a private forum at Danica's board for the time we were there. But, we never had a private forum at MD...not since we lost MD to Dana.

I have no earthly idea how the hookabitches figured out that the popcorn hooka was Katie from AW. I didn't get it then and I don't get it now. What really astounds me is the excessive amount of time and energy expended tracking her down. For what? Did anything change by the new found knowledge that, gasp, someone was misrepresenting themselves online? No. Nothing changed. I don't really think it mattered. I think what mattered most was that the hookabitches were right and everybody had to know that. No matter the cost. Those were the diaper washing, ass wiping, breastfeeding days of our children's infancy and we spent it on the web trying to prove that nothing could be put over on the hookabitches. What ego.
Some of us got over that burning need and moved on, entirely and quite blissfully ignorant of the multitude of petty subsequent dramas that have unfolded over the years. Some of us hung on because real life was just a blur of inane chores. Others changed. Others fed off the drama, looking for it in every thread, every post.

Sometimes there was no drama but anything could be turned into drama if you knew just how to spin it. For instance, the GIA forum. It started innocently enough. I noticed that there were three or four mods for that forum and I asked why. Seemed excessive. By the time all the accusations were flung out and the conspiracy theories hatched the forum was shut down, an admin kicked to the curb and members left MD. Why? Because nobody puts anything over on the hookabitches. It's all about control.

What about Stephanie, Kelly, and the CaliMafia? I don't know. I admit I didn't read all the mile long conspiracy laden posts about IP sharing. I didn't care. Why waste my time agonizing over the possibility that some members were having a laugh at KKT {Kelly's Kitchen Table) while logged on to MD? Chat was just buzzing with it. It was the biggest drama to hit MD for quite awhile. Logs were shared, IPs posted, tons of stats and logon times highlighted...but nothing to prove that Kelly was still getting into the restricted forums under someone else's username. No IP matches were made. I didn't see it and said as much. Why did it matter? Kelly was already gone. But the accusation against Stephanie was still made public with absolutely nothing to back it up. And nobody knew what to do. You couldn't just say "Um, are you ok? 'Cause you seem to be taking this all so personal." That would have morphed into it's very own shitstorm of innuendo and mistrust. So, nobody said anything. Finally the accusation was withdrawn and an apology posted followed by the obligatory "it takes a big person to admit when they are wrong" posts. And why? No reason except maybe nobody puts anything over on the hookabitches.

Now it seems that part of that particular drama was my fault because I did not weigh in with my thoughts. I was damned if I did and damned since I didn't. It wasn't my place to say "leave it alone. You can't control what someone does in their own home half a country away." It was a no-win situation all around for me. The beginning of the end. The only reason I said 'don't worry, we'll get that bitch sooner or later' was to let you know, Camille, that I still supported you as a friend. I knew you were mad because none of us backed you up publicly. I knew you were embarassed. Funny how I'm the only one you resented for it. You went out on your own like a runaway train and ran out of track and only had blame left to throw around. I couldn't stop you any more than you could stop Stephanie and Kelly.

And, no, Camille never asked anybody to say there was an IP match when there wasn't. She truly believed there was one. So, saying that I compared her to Apiffany was just another drama log to throw on the fire.

She truly is a sweetheart. I just thought I should say that. She has not allied herself one way or the other as far as I know in the hookabitch schism. I wish she wasn't involved at all because I think she got hurt. She isn't mean spirited in any way. If anyone mentioned in the previous post felt badly for not having stepped forward, it would have been Cassie. And any apology that she may have made, I feel quite certain was sincere. She just doesn't have "cut throat" in her.
I'm sorry that I caused her any anxiety and ruined MD for her.

Real life kind of snuck up on me. I'm still not done with my Things To Do list. The party is on Sunday and I'm not even close to being done. I wasted a beautiful summerlike day yesterday running around town trying to get stuff done. For no good reason. It's all quite pointless really. I'm sitting here thinking of 10 other things I should be doing...laundry, baking, making wrapping paper, actually wrapping gifts, sending out my Christmas cards, getting stuff ready for the Brownies meeting tonight, sewing dd's patches onto her vest, laying another course of tile... I'm afraid all of this stuff will avalanche soon.

But I think it is equally important to get my emotional and spiritual baggage taken care of as well. So, let me dig around in the confession bowl and see what pops up for today. Drum roll...

Ahh, Nicole. Ok. I never apologized to her for my role in the great fake IP address debacle at MD. April approached me and told me to post that I saw the IP match that proved that Nicole was posting at MD. I didn't. Because there wasn't one. April and Tiffany pretended to be Nicole and then swore up and down that it was really Nicole and they had the IP match to prove it. I, like every other hookabitch, sat back and said nothing. I knew if I denied the existence of the IP match then Apiffany would out me as the I&G mole. So I said nothing. I don't know why no one else came forward. When it finally came out and the hookabitches were scrambling to make nice and cover their asses I said nothing. I felt no need to make a public apology to Nicole. And it rather made me sick to see the hookabitches genuflecting and mewling over someone who despised us so vehemently. But what was far worse was the arrogance that followed. Nobody gave two shits about Nicole's feelings and by stepping forward and announcing that they had apologized to Nicole they were able to bask in the glow of the MDers who lavished them with "it takes a big person to admit when they were wrong" tripe and appear to be scrupulous at the same time.

My only regret was the loss of my friendship with Faith/IrishEyes who denounced MD and the hookabitches and never came back.

And I think I'll make a few to round out the year and clear the decks for next year. I just ran across some old C&Ps and they really put things into perspective for me.

I have a couple more yards of fabric to cut for the Brownie Scouts and a double batch of ranger cookies to bake and a load of laundry to fold but then I'll be back. And who knows, if I happen to drink a White Russian or two this evening it could get interesting. I'm of unusually good cheer this holiday. :o)

What a beautiful day it was yesterday. December 10th and high 70s. I opened up all the windows! I took the opportunity to sit outside, load up on vitamin D, and decide on our vacation destination for next year. We've loosely planned on the cruise for September. Dd will be in school but MIL said she would stay here for the week to watch her. We'll also be going back to DC for a few days. If you can't find something to do in DC then there's something wrong with you. I didn't think I'd like it but I did.
For the summer vacation I'm leaning toward Hilton Head Island, Marco Island, or Captiva. Dh was tossing out San Francisco, Boston, someplace in Texas, or even Orlando again. I don't know. It's a tough choice. Plus, we have that Outer Banks thing...Barrier Island Station in Duck.

I think next year I'll get my passport renewed and apply for dh's and dd's. I wouldn't think twice about going to London for a long weekend. ;o)

Dh's friend, Paul, was lamenting the fact that he was going to spend another two weeks in Hawaii. This past summer he went to Hawaii for a bit and then Tahiti for a week. To me, that has as much appeal as Phuket or Guam.

Look who's admin again. Back in the saddle and all's right with the world.

I have got a blistering headache. Too many white russians around the campfire this evening I guess. We went out shopping with MIL yesterday while dd was in school and had a lovely time. Dd went home with her grandmom to attend a concert and slept over. When she got home this afternoon the little girl from next door spirited her away for a couple of hours.
She had a good time at the concert and got a bunch of books from the library book sale and has had her nose buried in one all night until lights out.
I made the moravian ginger cookies today. What a pita. They turned out ok but required a lot of work. I also made a banana bread this morning. That turned out perfect.
The cable guy showed up this morning to hook up our HBO. We've gone digital. It was either that or lose the analog channels one by one. We got a $20 credit on the bill since the guy didn't show up on time. I don't know how many extra channels we have now but dh is still watching the same stupid shit...or sleeping thru it.
I'd love to crawl into bed right now. It's been a long couple of days and I'm beat down to my new cashmere socks (Thanks MIL!) but my soap comes on tonight. It's still a couple of hours away though. I hope I can stay awake.

Especially for Rocky. She's decided to go into moult. The poor little naked bird was freezing out there this morning, dwarfed by the other girls with their feathers all fluffed out. I brought her inside in the cat carrier in a pile of leaves and she has ceased shivering. I just gave her a potato chip which she dispatched with her usual gusto. The bird loves junk food. I'll have to pick up some cheese crackers for her this afternoon to cheer her up. The other girls were none too happy about me taking her away.

We brought the tree in last night. It looks much better since I repotted it the other day. It may be too big for the living room next year. I baked cookies yesterday as well. I started making Ranger cookies but discovered I didn't have any shredded coconut so I ended up adding a splash of pina colada mix instead. They turned out really well and have the added flavor of pineapple. Then I made a batch of pumpkin cookies with cranberries and walnuts. Great for breakfast. ;o) I need to mix up a batch of dough to run thru the cookie press. Dd loves the different shapes. I made some with carob last year that I thought were great. They weren't sweet enough for dd & dh. I always cut the sugar too much I suppose. That sounds like a great project for us to do this evening. The kitchen will be warm and cozy anyway.

I haven't posted in awhile because I've been fighting the urge to throw out some snark. It's been tough! Instead I'll just sit back and let them spin their conspiracy theories into a noose. That should keep them and their bandwidth zizzing along for a bit.

I've been working on the website for the past couple of days. I needed more than a discussion board. I just wish I knew how to do it. This is something I wanted to see MD evolve into way back when but I don't think anyone was interested in anything beyond TPT. That's a shame. There are some very talented women at that board who are slowly backing away due to the climate change. When you hear "if you don't like it, leave" enough times then I guess you'll do it. I'm sorry...the snark leaketh a bit.

So, I've been busy trying to learn this stuff and getting ready for Christmas. The shopping is more or less done. Now for the baking! I've been putting off the cookie leg of this Christmas journey because I have zero willpower. None. Even the thought of a cranberry walnut oatmeal cookie is making my stomach rumble. I know I'm going to have to gird my palate and fight the siren song of the cookie. But I'm weak. Damn you real chocolate morsel!

Do children under the age of 12 lack tastebuds? Wherever you go the children's menu seems to consist of chicken nuggets, mac & cheese, spaghetti & meatballs, or pizza. 25¢ worth of pasta with a $5 price tag. We were thinking about going to the Bonefish Grill and absolutely salivated over the wonderful choices on the menu...warm mango salsa over grilled Ahi Tuna or Pistachio Parmesan Crusted Rainbow Trout with Lemon Butter with a nice bottle of wine, followed by Creme Brulee or Macadamia Nut Brownie.
The "Minnow's Menu" looked like a typical Captain D's menu. Popcorn shrimp & Fries, Chicken Nuggets, breaded and deepfried something or other...which probably all taste the same.

Do people who go out for $22 slabs of fish and $25 bottles of wine that you can get in Target for $7 really take their kids with them when they go out to dine? I'm thinking not. I'm betting the restaurant has a stash of Kraft EasyMac on hand in the off chance that someone couldn't find a babysitter on date night. I'm surprised they don't have corndogs with yellow mustard on the kids' menu, although it would be hard to justify the price even though it comes with a beverage.

Try to keep up.
Gosh, what mean things can I say tonight? I'm in a fairly agreeable mood tonight. I had a perfect White Russian while watching NCIS and House. It just doesn't get any better than that.
The day was gorgeous. I went over to Regina's to pick up the last couple of yards of fabric that need cutting and I dropped off what I broke my back cutting the other day.
I happened upon a book sale at the library and got some great buys. I got a flylady book for 25¢. My Myth Busters DVD finally came in.
I was able to sit out in the sun for a little while and get a dose of vitamin D.
I made a fantastic supper for my fam. It all came out perfectly and at the same time.
I picked up a great little cd at Target for a buck.
I kicked ass on MahJongg Connect at Square Peg Mama. Level 4!
I caught my dd doing a math practice sheet in bed. I'm so proud of her!

Ahhh, the ambien is kicking in...
Some days are positively shitty for me. I feel so much pressure bearing down on me and yet I shouldn't. I've got the perfect life except I'm alone all the time. The cats are great for alleviating the loneliness but they aren't the conversationalists that Goliath was. That cat could talk a blue streak and always made a solid point. I miss him. The stream of consciousness thing just doesn't work with these guys. How am I ever going to nail down perpetual motion if I don't have someone to bounce it off of? These guys aren't satisfied with watching the gyroscopes...they have to bat them around. It makes the thought process rather disjointed. Some days I think it would just be easier to breed a giant hamster and set it loose in a wheel. Of course, the cats would love that.

Other days, like today, are brilliant. I visit my blog and wonder why on earth people who showed absolutely no interest in me at all for years have suddenly made it a habit to visit 2 or 3 times a day. I don't get it. They made their choice and elbowed me out. Why hang around? Waiting to see if I'll pull a Tiffril and blab my guts out? Oh, that's a possibility, you know, on those days that aren't so brilliant. Those days when I'm so lonely. But not today.

OMFG. I'm not a religious person at all but this still just has me shaking my head. Why be so crude? Why not show a little respect for those who are religious? Hell's Bells, if you hang with the religious peeps then you should at least try to take their beliefs into consideration. Get a clue. If your bestest buds can't even type out God without inserting a hyphen then you can bet your ass they won't want to spell out OMFG in their head. Although I do recall one of the more vocal "Christians" at MD using that same acronym quite often. That would seem worse than actually typing out God imo. I guess one woman's blasphemy is another woman's attempt at being hip and cool.

And the overall use of the word CUNT that has become the new 'in' name to sling around...zoiks. A few years from now when some of those women's kids are surfing the web, it is inevitable that one is going to run across something their mom wrote way back when. I can see it now. "Wow, mom called that other woman a Cuntastic Bitch! I can't wait to use that one!" Makes me rather proud to be a prude. I've had my moments but it's really not in my nature to get that crude. If that's the caliber of the folks running the show now, I guess I should be glad I'm not associated with them anymore. Being more hardcore than Sybermoms was not one of the things we were shooting for when we created MD.

For Brownie Scout mother of the year. I just spent over four back-breaking hours bent over the table cutting several yards of fabric into 3 X 3 inch squares. Part of that time was ironing it, part of it was trying to figure out how in hell I was supposed to get anything decent out of the scraps one mom sent me. I need to pick up a couple more yards to cut up from the troop leader tomorrow. My cutting mat is getting shredded. My rotary blade is shot. I already spent an hour and a half cutting during the last meeting. Ugh!
So, as a reward I just added approximately 3 lbs to my backside via a slice of cake with inch deep tooth crackingly sweet icing.

I made bread today. I made breadsticks last Thursday and they turned out so tasty I thought I'd make a couple loaves of something today. So I did. Rosemary & Thyme round bread. I screwed up the first loaf by trying to transfer it from the cookie sheet to the baking stone. It deflated rather unceremoniously like the wicked witch in Wizard of Oz. I had to let it rise for another 30 minutes but it still came out homely. The second loaf came out picture perfect. We've already eaten half of the ugly loaf and it is terrific. It's got a thick chewy crust due to the pan of water that I put in the oven while it was baking. The flavour and texture are wonderful. I am very pleased with myself...well, I did have my dd's help. She enjoyed it, too.

While the dough was rising we got together to read The Eleventh Hour by Graeme Base. We had a lot of fun cracking the codes and deciphering the hieroglyphs. It's an excellent read...great for snuggling up in a big chair. I hope the author's other books are as equally clever.

Time to turn in...I'm starting to see double. It just makes me think I have twice as much dust and dirt in this house. Hey, when I close my eyes I don't see any of it at all. Maybe I've hit on something there.

-ay, there's the rub

I look forward to sleep now. I yearn for it where I used to shun it. Once I had my shower this evening all I could think of was crawling into bed and shutting everything out for a few hours. Shutting out the utter nothingness. To escape time.

God I'm depressed. I haven't been this depressed in years. I guess the last time was in Roanoke when I had no friends, a shitty job in a forklift garage, and a recovering alcoholic "fiance" who cheated on me regularly. Ahh, the 80s. What a decade that was.

I'm hoping it's just the holidays and their transient dose of reality that's got me seeking solace in Ambien rather than a more permanent feeling of isolation. But with this early onset it doesn't bode well. I feel like I'm getting paler and paler and by Christmas I will have vanished completely. I feel like a ghost already. I slip so easily from view as though I were never there. Out of sight, out of mind. I am that weird feeling you get when you walk into a room and can't remember what you went in there for. The thought was there a second ago but now it's completely gone. Must not have been too important you say and walk back out of the room.

I can feel it shrinking every time I sit down to another game of letterlinker or mahjongg. Maybe dropping a juicy little drama bomb will spark some activity...

Well, all drama aside, my day was excruciatingly mundane. I had a little heated exchange with my mother, whose memory is apparently shorter than mine, or, at the very least, painted with a different brush. One that is much more forgiving. She whipped out the grudge card and gave me a wicked paper cut with it. That's ok. I heal quickly these days. Ahhh, Thanksgiving...the holiday known for Roasted Turkey, taters & gravy, cranberries, and the annual exequy where my flaws are trotted out like the proverbial dead horse to be whaled on once again. Dh is so looking forward to it.

I went to School Crossings to get the rest of dd's brownie stuff. We finally got her troop numbers so I picked up the rest of the patches needed for her uniform. I actually put them on the vest today, too! How's that for productive? I need to make the rolls for the soiree on Thursday. Guess I better do that tomorrow. Dh is already complaining because it threatens to cut into his Survivor time.

Went to the grocery store after that. Got some "cheap" milk. Finally found the note I scrawled about the milk shares. It's a great concept and I would love to partake but dh is unwilling. But it's Jersey milk, I cried! You haven't tasted milk until you've tasted Jersey milk! He was unimpressed with my show of emotion. My butter churn is ready to go! Rich, creamy, raw Jersey milk...a controlled substance like any narcotic, illegal to sell but free to use if you own the cow...or a portion thereof. Deucedly clever those dairy farmers.

See, if my brain wasn't so busy going numb I would have thought of that. So, as I was saying

Throughout the day I will feel compelled to look at my watch, the stove clock, the microwave... Nine times out of ten the time appearing will be a multiple. Like 1:11, 5:55, 11:11. I don't know why. I'm not a time oriented person. It just doesn't mean anything to me. It slips away so easily. It comes, robs me of my brain cells, and then leaves again.

This morning I lay in bed just letting my mind wander to all sorts of places, scenarios playing out wildly. I had no reason to get up so I didn't. I wallowed in the vacuum. Time didn't exist. But, of course, it did and I want those moments back but they're gone.

For dh, time is a shackle. He's a slave to the clock. He watches time slip away and, much like nature, abhors a vacuum. As long as he is conscious he feels the need to fill his time productively. However, productivity is a largely personal definition. Reading a book in front of the television is not productive to me. Nor is doing a crossword while drinking a beer outside beside the firepit. Adding a row of tiles to the shower...now, that's productive. Building a structure to house the garbage can and recycling containers...productive. Washing the dishes, laundry...productive but mind numbing.

So, today I am boycotting time and the productive use of it. Let it go, I don't care. I'm going to wallow in my vacuum for a while today. There will be time enough to push the real vacuum tomorrow.

Ugly goes right to the bone.

My old online "friends" were discussing a member's appearance one day. I don't remember who. I didn't engage in the thread. It seems she had a mouth full of stained teeth. I guess she posted in one of the mama pic threads. The girls were very judgemental with some 5th grade "EWWWWs" thrown in for good measure. There may have even been used the puking icon. I really thought they felt they were actually better than the poor mama with the stained teeth.

Well, it embarrassed me. Made me feel very self conscious. I didn't let on but, yeah, it hurt. I was suddenly glad I didn't post pics of myself very often. I've got stained teeth. Exterior bleaching will not work. The tooth is dead. Root canal has turned it into a brownish gray tooth. They would need to open the tooth, scrape out the insides and then bleach the shit out of it and then pack it with something. It would have to be done every year.
The other alternative is to grind the tooth down to a nub and put a porceline crown over it. Like all the other porceline crowns I have. I just had one put in today. I think that brings the total up to 9 crowns. $500 per crown plus $300 to prepare the tooth.
$7,200 so far and I'm scheduled for two more. I'm thinking about getting lumineers for those two but I think the cheapest is $600 per tooth with a 4 tooth minimum.

I'm a smiler. All the time for no apparent reason. Maybe that's why people walk away. Or maybe it's my nasty stained teeth...you know...because I'm classless and all.

I was so upset last night. I just don't know where to start. I'll just say to the admins who come here on a daily basis...you should be ashamed of yourselves. I know you've been passing around links to my blog via PM. I also think it's really shitty that you couldn't scrape up two kind words about my dad's situation. That's very Stacy Wheelerish. But what really pisses me off is how you have let MD regress back to the April and Tiffany show. It was very evident last night.

I kept thinking it was very much like AW when the mods would make fun of us when we tried to question "authority". But there was something else there that I couldn't quite put my finger on. My God, how bitchy and snotty can you possibly be? You've got your tight little amityesque clique wrapped around you and it's affecting your personalities. This is the same clique that was forming around "Meo" when she was on the Kelly/Calimafia rampage...the ones who hand fed her information and she lapped it up like it was life sustaining manna from heaven. It didn't matter that the information was gossip...it became gospel.

Wonder where all the old timers have gone? They recognized what was happening to MD and said piss on it. Cripes. You guys used to say how all the grab ass/lesbo/titty talk made you sick to your stomach. Now you're engaging in it? Talk about lemmings.

I usually don't get so personal but I worked hard on that site for years and you guys have destroyed it in a matter of weeks. I've had lots of time to reflect. I'd advise you guys to do the same. Your two-faced scripture-spewing hypocrisy is showing.

I haven't broken down in a weepy heap in a long time. Today it just snuck up on me and clobbered me.

My friend Jen (aka Apathy) left a comment on my MySpace page. I hardly ever go there anymore...I just don't think of it. I logged in to check it out. I noticed that Becki had left a comment in August. I linked on her name and saw a familiar face among her friends list. Patsy. I linked to her site half expecting it to be gone but there it was. Some song was playing. I don't know what it was. I think her last post was "cancer sucks". I lost it. I couldn't help it. It's so unfair that she died. I couldn't stop the tears. We weren't really close. I wouldn't even go so far as to say we were friends...merely acquaintances on the www. But her illness and how she handled it touched me deeply. I always liked Patsy. She was a genuinely nice person thru and thru. I miss her presence.

It hit me again during this evening's episode of Desperate Housewives. The character Lynette has cancer. While awaiting the results of her last PET scan, she transfers her anxiety and fear onto an opossum who has taken up residence in her garden. She wants so desperately to kill the vermin that has entered their lives. When she learns the news that she is cancer free she walks outside and sees the crumpled body of the opossum and collapses in tears of guilt. I lost it for the second time.

Maybe I'm still hanging onto feelings from my Dad's recent bout with colon cancer. I don't know. Maybe I'm having a harder time dealing with it than I thought.

and I'm already trying to find something else to do other than write. Sad. I added another row of tiles to the shower wall. One already popped off. That does not bode well. So, I could be doing that.

I need to take a movie back to the library as it is past due and I already owe a fine on it. I've had it two weeks, renewed it once, and still haven't watched it. That happened with the last movie as well. I just feel so guilty sitting down during the day to watch a movie while dh is at work. Not that he pulls a plow or anything but still...

This NaNoWriMo thing is really bugging me. I've got it all in my head and I know what I want to say but I just don't know how to say it. I mean in what format. First person? Third person? Linear? Divided into years or characters? I know I should have had this worked out by now, especially before today but the muse has left me stranded. She's probably lying in bed, belly distended from one too many tootsie roll candies from last night's wild Halloween induced sugar binge. I hope the bitch gains five pounds. All on her ass. (...she says, as she slurps casually on a year old Valentine DumDum lollipop, so old the wrapper has become imbedded in it.)

Must find a new muse.

I just got done listening to a radio interview with A. J. Jacobs. He was fascinating and funny and so I naturally googled him and read some of his blog. I can't wait to read his new book, The Year of Living Biblically. (If I knew how to underline the title I would.)
He sounds like a more feminine David Spade so he has that going for him as well.

The concept of devoting an entire year to an experiment in order to write about it is so foreign to me. I'd love to be able to commit to something like that but if I could condense it into a week it still probably wouldn't be doable for me. Guess that's why I'll never be a serious writer. I can barely commit to this blog. I don't have a problem with committing. I did commit several years to admining Mama-Drama but that was only because I thought I was needed and respected by my fellow admin. In retrospect I should have realized, from past experience, that that was not the case. I was merely "convenient" like certain mods are now. They'll see how important they really are once they are no longer needed, like Andrea.

Hey, maybe I should write a book about the social tapestry of online mama communities and the eat or get eaten mentality that permeates the bid for acceptance and popularity therein. Hmmmmm. They'll never make a movie about it but it's got all the gratuitous sex and violence needed for what passes as entertainment these days. Pole dancing, extramarital relations, domestic violence, divorce, poverty and a soupcon of Pseudo-Christian ethics thrown in for credibility. LOL, NaNoWriMo is write around the corner.

I totally zoned out today. Soccer was cancelled. They closed the fields because of the rain over the past couple of days. Dh let me sleep in. I missed the ghost stories at Magnolia Grange. I completely forgot about the writers' group meeting. The group leader was supposed to send me an email with information about get-togethers and word count conference calls but he never did. I feel bad about missing it today. I spend a lot of time outside the loop these days.

I spent the whole day thinking it was Sunday.
Yesterday was dh's day off. He let me sleep in and got dd off to school. Then he took off to go do some handyman stuff for his friend from work. Just a typical day for me. Laundry. Dishes. Vacuum.

It's all so mind numbingly depressing. I don't have MD to occupy my time anymore. I feel like a newb there now anyway. Not much happening at SquarePeg. I'm frustrated that I can't get my ftp programs to work worth a damn. My computer keeps freezing up, as usual, and I can't get anything done. Just like when I would try to be in chat or IM, all of my windows would close and I'd get thrown back to my desktop where I'd have to reopen the browser and start all over again. A real PITA. Yesterday I was in ftp and I got stuck there. Couldn't disconnect at all.

It very nearly brings me to tears sometimes. I miss being a part of something. Every day is just like the last.

List ten activities that you would enjoy but tell yourself you have no time for.

1. Sewing
2. Quilting
3. Painting
4. Hypertufa
5. Copper sculpting
6. Soapmaking
7. Baking artisan bread
8. Journal making
9. Learning another language
10. Going back to school

Now I'm supposed to pick one and do it. Riiiight.

* The Sound of Paper: Starting from Scratch by Julia Cameron

I'm loving the sound of the rolling thunder and the steady static sound of rain on the roof. It's like music to my ears tonight. I was able to empty one of the rain barrels earlier today, transferring the water to any bucket I could find. I just looked outside and it's overflowing again and the goldfish pond is full. That'll keep my plants going for another month if it doesn't rain again soon.
Poor Rocky is huddled outside on the fence. Usually she goes in the coop when it's raining but decided against it tonight for some reason. The dogs are in the barn and all the cats are in the house except Nibble and Pip. Orville was in the house but wanted to go outside so he could sit on the window sill and look in. Beats me.

I've taken my pharmaceutical quota for the night and I'm just waiting for dh to fall asleep. He's watching Cash Cab right now and is uncharacteristically lucid for this late hour.
I've got a sinus headache which is affecting my teeth. I should double up on my antihistamines because my ears are bothering me as well. Unfortunately I have to go out tomorrow morning and I would be a zombie.

I've got a lot coming up. Girl Scouts tomorrow and I still have to put patches on dd's uniform, the writers' group on Saturday and I still don't have the story finished for the anthology, and a Halloween party on Sunday and I don't have dd's costume finished yet. Dd swallowed a tooth the other day and the tooth fairy hasn't caught wind of it yet.

When it rains, it pours. ;o)

Bed felt so good this morning. The sheets were so smooth and just the right temperature. I could hear dh and dd slamming around at the other end of the house, then the cats started crying to get their brekkie, and then Blondie started howling because there was a siren going off a couple miles down the road. *sigh* I think I could have slept until noon. BUT. We had to get to the soccer fields to get the team picture taken and you have to get there early if you want a parking spot somewhere in this county. Traffic was a bitch because of the airshow and the special golf olympics and whatever else was happening in the park. Coach was late and the photo wasn't taken until just a few minutes before their game was due to start.

The game itself was a real nail biter. 3 to 2. Our team barely pulled it off this time. Our kids usually trounce the hell out of the other players so much so that the coach has to tell them to stop making goals. Dd made a beautiful goal today. It was perfection. Keegan made the other two. We used to stick around after games last year just to watch him play and luckily he's on our team this year. He's a real sweet kid.

We went out to eat after the game and then came home. I had to do some laundry, pack up some stuff for goodwill, and after a very close cardgame with dh I transferred some tadpoles to an indoor tank so we could monitor their growth. It's rather late in the season and they've just begun to sprout back legs. It'll probably be a couple more weeks until they have front legs and then it would be too late for them to survive the winter. Last year we had the perfect setup for them complete with mosquitoes to eat. We also needed to do some testing on the water heater as it hasn't been heating the water very well lately. The elements and thermostat checked out so I don't know what the problem is. I'd like to switch to a tankless heating system but dh isn't keen on the idea.

I've still got some laundry to do, dinner to make, some tinkering to do at the board , and a few other odd bits until I can settle down to Eastenders tonight. I bet the bed is going to feel really good.

My earliest memory is also my most horrific. I couldn't have been more than 4 or 5. I clearly remember my first day of kindergarten and this was well before then. I remember nothing leading up to it but it still haunts me in nightmares to this day.
I loved my room back then, with its tiny pink rosebuds trailing up and down the pale wallpaper. The antique handhooked rug was a constant source of amusement. A small vermilion stain reminded me never to leave my crayons out near the heating vent. Sadly the rug was left behind when I bugged out of an abusive relationship 20 odd years later. My bed hugged the far corner of the room. Near it's foot sat my little dress up table. My dad built it along with the little white stool. It's forty years later and I still have it. The stool as well. The mirror, with globe lights surrounding it, is long gone. I see it often in my dreams though.
Reflected in the dreadful mirror was a window. Soft white ruffly curtains framed it. They were drawn back with a pink ribbon. I could see the woods beyond it and the jagged slash of raw earth that lay open in the backyard. The roots of trees and bushes stuck out like exposed bones. It wasn't so bad outside, in the sun, but in the mirror...it was always cold and dim.

to be continued....

I slept fairly late today. Doesn't mean much since I didn't get to sleep until after 3 a.m. I didn't want to take an Ambien since I had no desire to hobnob with the shadow people. Even so, I was able to finish nearly everything that was on my ToDo list today. Well, with a little help from the dh. The only things I didn't get to were adding the hack to Square Peg and making a couple loaves of banana bread. The bananas are beyond ripe. We're talking the liquid stage. Just the other side of perfect for my taste. But they'll make an outstanding loaf.

I was finally able to clean the aquarium and set it up for dd's new fish. I had promised her about a month ago but serious life got in the way and we just got around to it. She chose 3 Sunset Fire Platys (or something like that) and a pair of Bettas...male and female named Max and Ruby. The Pleico is unimpressed with the new rocks and the nifty little sculpture or the new neighbours. He's probably not to happy about the clean aquarium either since he eats algae scum. I'd put him in the goldfish pond if I thought he'd survive the winter. He's a big fish now.

Dh's aunt was admitted to the hospital for ovarian cancer this weekend. Hopefully dh called to find out how her surgery went while dd and I were out in search of vampire teeth this afternoon. Her sister died of cancer a few years ago and I'm sure she's afraid she is headed toward the same fate.

Dh cooked/burned hotdogs out on the grill this afternoon. The last hurrah of summer I guess. It was nice. I loaded mine down with horseradish as always and never broke a sweat. I guess it's time I dug up some roots and ground up my own. Dd knocked two dogs back. I don't know where that kid puts it. 3 months shy of 8yo and 52 lbs. She barely casts a shadow and yet she can pack away the food like a field hand. The other day dh went cycling up in DC and didn't get back until late. Dd and I decided to kick back and have tv dinners. I fixed her a Hungry Man....over a pound of food. Two salisbury steaks, mashed potatoes and gravy, stringbeans, and a brownie. All gone. She's always hungry. It's a good thing she cares about nutrition or we'd be in trouble.

That's all the drama for today.

So, I thought I had convinced Mom that they needed to do away with heating with wood and switch to oil. Afterall, Dad isn't supposed to lift anything over 15 lbs for about 6 to 8 weeks due to his surgery. That would put them in the neighbourhood of the first week of December. They will definitely need heat before then. They don't have electric baseboard heat downstairs. They heat with a wood burning stove that is outside in a small barn. The stove heats water which is circulated throughout the house by cast iron radiators. The "pig" in the bathroom isn't even hooked up.

Mom has never taken care of the wood stove before. She told me that she would be able to manage. Brother Bob would be splitting the wood for her. Well, when Brother Mike drove down from PA to cut some trees, Brother Bob was supposed to help but was too tired to do so. The wood laid around the whole week I was down there while Dad was in the hospital. Brother Bob never showed up. But both Mom and Dad feel they can rely on Brother Bob to step up to the plate.

Brother Mike is driving down from PA again this Saturday. He has a bad back and needs chiropractic care on a regular basis. Brother Bob won't be able to help him with the wood this weekend either because apparently he tripped over one of his cats and broke his collar bone. He probably flew off in a rage and killed the cat, too. That's just the kind of guy he is. Anyway, Mom can't lift the wood, can't split the wood, and neither can Dad. But he will. Because he'll have to. Mom is now saying that he can't lift anything over 15 lbs for 3 weeks. I specifically heard the surgeon say 6 to 8 weeks. Several times.

So, Mom was ready to order the oil. Dad always said the furnace worked but it just needed to be hooked up. Well, hook it up then. Uh. No. That's no good because the chimney is bad he says. WTF? The wood stove is very big and the logs need to be big as well so they'll burn a long time. They just are not capable right now. But you can bet your ass that Dad will be out there doing it so Mom won't have to. 84 years old and just had bowel resection to remove cancer. Yesterday he got his staples out and the surgeon said there was still cancer present.

There's no reason for this shit. Honestly.

Downtown Richmond. This weekend. The annual Folk Festival. I was just checking out the schedule of events and it looks like my World History Professor will be taking the stage on Saturday. I haven't seen him since the Greece/Italy trip in 1995. I had to check my passport for the date. It's been a long time. This guy is the king of the one liners. I absolutely loved his class.

One day we were in a small village in France. Most of the class stayed in town for lunch but there was an old fortress at the top of the mountain that I just had to see so I headed off. It was breathtaking. Part of the ruins housed a museum to Joan of Arc. Apparently she had been held captive there. It was also where the Knights Templar were held.

I had very little time to check the ruins out and no time for lunch. When I got back to the group I asked what I had missed of the local cuisine. Kinney, very deadpan, said, "Eh, the same old crepe". I still have to laugh when I think about that trip.

The void created by the failure to communicate is soon filled with poison, drivel, and misrepresentation. ~C. Northcote Parkinson

Amen. It is difficult to communicate when one doesn't know that a conversation is taking place. Assumptions are rarely a true representation of what a person thinks or feels. "I didn't think you'd mind"...quickly followed by a hard defensive posture. That's where common courtesy kicks in. Most people really don't stop to think if the other person would truly mind. If you protest, more than likely, you'll be told to put on your big girl panties and get over it. That seems a bit backwards to me. But it also seems to be the norm.

Why does that happen? I don't think failure to communicate covers it. I think the void is more about dishonesty and guilt and the placement of blame. And sometimes you have to wonder how long the void had been there hiding amongst the fluff.

No man can for any considerable time wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which is the true one. ~ Nathaniel Hawthorne

There are people who will expend more energy trying to convince others that they are compassionate and sincere, rather than actually being that way. I'm sure you know someone like that...someone who is always offering "prayers" or "hugs" or lavishing you with praise as long as someone witnesses the "random act of kindness". When you no longer serve their purpose the attention is withdrawn, the praise and false concern redirected to someone else...a more PC candidate perhaps.

I've seen so much of it over the years I've spent online. People being used because it was convenient. People being elevated to a new status because they had information or contacts that were needed by someone else. Once that need was fulfilled the person got cast out of the clique, their name smeared while the hyenas circled.

I've seen some truly good people online as well. The ones who give and give only to get battered and beaten time and time again. And, amazingly, are still willing to help knowing the outcome. Who is the weaker person? The person willing to lend a helping hand knowing it'll only get slapped later? Or the person who fawns all over someone for gain, all the while thinking they are doing the other person a favour? I'll gladly sit next to the former even if it's just the two of us.

I guess compassion and support in one's time of need is relative to what one has to offer in exchange. It is times like this that one is able to see who wears a mask and those who have no need for one. Sometimes it can be quite shocking, in fact.

Dad is finally out of the hospital. It's been a long dismal week. Probably the most spectacular weather of the year and we were holed up in a miserable little hospital room listening to CNN and the buzzer going off at the nurses station over and over and over because no one was there to answer it. I spent the week staring out the fourth floor window at a poor dog across the highway, tied to a short chain at the end of an asphalt driveway. It paced back and forth all week in the hot sun waiting for someone to come play with him. On the fourth day someone came. The dog was ecstatic! It raced around as far as its short chain would allow. It jumped in the air and wiggled in excitement. The visitor never touched the dog, always staying just out of reach. And then he left. After two minutes. And the dog paced and waited again.

The same thing was happening in the hospital. The patients leaning on the call button for help and no one answering. Dad cut through the lines that restricted his movement. No one came.
Every night when I drove Mom home it was the same thing. People calling to see how Dad was and make sure Mom was holding up ok. Nobody called Dad at the hospital. Nobody sent him a freaking card. The day I left the neighbours were walking down the lane to visit, a bouquet of old fashioned roses in hand. But nothing from family. That really pisses me off.

Dad had a colonoscopy this morning. They unzipped his guts this afternoon. His asshole doctor kept prescribing zantac even when told it wasn't working. They found cancer in his intestines and resected part of his bowel. Just a few hours between diagnoses and surgery. Barely enough time to panic.

I've made arrangements so I'll be able to go down to their house for a few days and stay with Mom. The dishwasher is running right now. I've caught up on all the laundry as of this afternoon. I went to the grocery store and got a bunch of tv dinners for dh & dd. The cell phone is charged. All I have to do is gas up the car tomorrow morning and I'm off.

Dh is all "what about the cats? What about the fish? What about the kid's lunch? What about the chickens?" Dd knows how to take care of all of that. I'll give her a house key so she'll be able to get in the house if dh doesn't get home in time. Or she'll just go up to Gavin's house....

I'm so tired. I had my prescription to Lunestra filled while I was out. Different tier on the co-pay so the pharmacist wanted $50 for 30 pills. I had to decline. A baseball bat or rubber mallet is much cheaper and probably more effective.

He had a CTscan last Thursday. He got the results today. He was admitted this evening. The scan showed something on his liver, his kidney, and near his prostate. He has gallstones and a bowel obstruction. Mom tried to call me but I was at soccer practice. She called my brother who lives in Pennsylvania and he left a message on my answering machine. My other brother, who lives close to Mom and Dad, was nowhere to be found.
Mike, PA brother, was down last week to cut some firewood for them since they heat with wood in an outdoor furnace. My other brother was supposed to help him but he said he was too tired. Too tired to even drive over and see him. Mom said that she would leave the wood for lazy brother to split but I hope she doesn't hold her breath. Looks like dh and I will be doing it. Dh will probably force them to switch to oil which is the logical thing. Dad is 84 and Mom is 76. They can't keep going outside to throw a big chunk of wood in the stove.
Dad was weighed today and he's 139 lbs at 6 ft. They immediately hooked him up with a saline IV because he was dehydrated from puking so much. Mom said they were talking about a bowel resection. She said that Dad told her he threw up some brown fluid the other day that smelled of bowel. Either he vomitted fecal matter or it was old blood. Either way it's bad news. He's having a colonoscopy done in the morning.

So Mom is home all alone. She's never been alone. They've been married for 50 years. The neighbour lady offered to stay with her tonight but Mom told her she would be ok. She wants me to come down. And I can't. I have to call her tomorrow morning and tell her that I can't be there for her or Dad. I warned her about this. I asked dh to take some time off work but he has a class tomorrow that has been on the books for 6 months. He can't reschedule. Dh suggested I leave Thursday and stay until Sunday but Dad is in the hospital RIGHT NOW. I don't know what to do.

Just a little PSA:

Most members of discussion boards don't have a clue the information that can be accessed by administrators. Having been one for a long time I can tell you that the priveleged data can be abused by those in a position to do so.

For instance, your IP number. Admin can see who registered under a particular IP address as well as who posted or voted in a poll. If a group of people are all sharing a single username and password it'll show up as multiple IP addresses. This information also tells the admin which geographical area you are accessing the internet from.

Admin also have access to your email address since you had to provide one when you registered at the discussion board. It is best to register with a web based email for just that purpose.

Admin can also read emails that originated at the discussion board. Invision boards have a logfile in the admin control panel that provides not only the to and from information, but the entire contents of the email as well. Your best bet is to send your emails off-board.

Admin can also read PMs. There are hacks out there that make it easier to read PMs but do not be fooled into thinking that someone needs the hack in order to access the data. Anyone with access to the database of a board can access every scrap of information available on a board. The MySQL database can be accessed through the cpanel of a board if it is provided by the host. It's a simple matter of finding the table that contains the data, usually called something like message_text. If you click browse, a query will be run and the data will be shown. You'll see the number id of the member who wrote the PM, the text of the message, the number id of the recipient and the author's IP address. Another query on a different table will give an admin access to member ID numbers.
For further information on PMs, please read http://www.theadminzone.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-15568.html
It is a lengthy discussion, 8 pages, but well worth the read if you are concerned with privacy at all. My advice is not to write anything in PM that you don't want anyone other than the recipient to read.

Admin have statistics availabe that show nearly every move you make on a board. What skin you are using, what thread you are reading, down to which browser you use and what computer platform you use. Most of the information is totally benign but if you have a feeling big brother is watching, you're right.

So, in a nutshell, I can't stress this enough: Keep your shit off the web.

I wonder how she is doing. Honestly. We used to correspond but she hasn't responded to the last two letters I sent via snail mail. We used to be at each other's throats back in the day. But something happened and we became friends. I discovered that she had the same insecurities about life and raising her kids as I. Suddenly the insults that I had hurled her way wracked me with guilt. What was the point of my barbed comments anyway? They served no purpose than to belittle her and make me feel superior. A great testament to my own character, eh?

So what happened? Did we become friends because she came around to my way of thinking or because I took the time to read exactly what she wrote and didn't try to fill in the blanks or read between the lines? Maybe a little of both. Suffice it to say, I looked forward to hearing her opinions even when they differed from my own. Many times her comments would give me pause to reflect on why I felt the way I did on certain matters.

I really miss her.

The mastermind of chaos and dissent just burned her lunch. Who the hell walks away from eggs frying on the stove? It's a good thing I like them crispy.

I may be an instigator at times and even a practitioner of dissent, though hardly a master. Bunny is the last person I would have suspected anyone would think I was in collusion with. She thinks I'm a whiny little bitch and that's me in a nutshell. I'm ok with that. I am insecure. I will agree on that. Envious at times, yes, but not jealous. To me jealousy connotes anger and the desire to hurt the other person. I bear no ill will at all. Towards anyone. But envy, that's another story. I envy my mother's ability to grow any damned thing she sticks in the ground. I envy my husband's ability to tune things out and not worry about the little things. And I envy Camille's charisma. Some's got it. Some ain't. I don't hate her for it. That would be stupid.

I am insecure in my ability to maintain relationships. Whenever I post I feel like Stacy. Just blathering away and I can just feel the breeze kicked up by all the rolling eyes. One liners are all I feel really comfortable with and I'm always afraid someone will take it the wrong way.

I was Queen of the Nerds back in highschool. I never ate lunch because the cafeteria was too claustrophobic for me. After awhile a couple of other loser-types joined me. Pretty soon there were 5 or 6 of us that hung out. One of the girls was so awkward and nervous she would puke under stress. It's a wonder she was able to function at all. We hung out for about a year and then she snapped out of it. Somewhere during the summer she got some confidence. I think basically once she got her braces off she got laid. Suddenly it was really uncool to hang around us loser-types. Typical high school stuff, right? So, I guess I have abandonment issues as well. Maybe that's why I felt the way I did about the admin stuff. It felt like the hookabitches were leaving me behind.

wow. I really need to work on that.

It should be. I'm sick and tired of being lonely all the damned time. I've been trying to find some kind of local groups to meet people. Other moms in particular.
There's a new group for displaced yankees 50 and over. I'm a displaced yankee but I'm only 44.
There's a group for moms of toddlers and preschoolers. My kid is in 2nd grade.
There's a group for people new to the area but only within the last two years. I've been here for seven years now.
Moms Club was a joke.
Mothers & More didn't have any vacancies. That was four years ago but I'm on the list. Right.
I don't belong to a church.
That's about all there is. It sucks. I'm in that awkward stage of no longer hip but not quite in AARP land.
I wonder if there are other mothers in the area that don't quite fit anywhere? Square peg mamas? Maybe I need to start a group myself. That's a scary thought.

Yesterday was a bust. I paid my $20 copay to see the doctor who was going to remove a cyst. She wouldn't do it. She said it was too large and I needed to see a surgeon. Great.

I went to the grocery store and back home to clean the house. Busted ass actually. The mother, who approached me at the busstop and asked to come over, didn't show. Dd went over to their house instead. Fine. Would have been nice to have a head's up though. She'll probably show up today when the kitchen is currently destroyed. I'm working on a craft project for the in-laws and there's crap everywhere. I've also got a cheese pie in the works and laundry going.

Made a giant score at the grocery store yesterday. I had to have dd's prescription refilled. It costs $3.35. Kroger was giving $5.00 off groceries per prescription. I made money already. I also had a coupon from Rite Aid for a $20 gift card on transferred prescriptions. Kroger honours them so I got $20.00 put on my Kroger card.
I got a cart load of stuff, used a bunch of coupons and BOGOF coupons, and paid with the rewards checks that Kroger sends me occasionally for using their mastercard. I ended up putting $3.06 on mastercard and walked away with groceries for a week. I love shopping like that! The people behind me in line weren't too thrilled because it takes a long time to check out. I always get stuck with this one lady who can't comprehend the Buy One Get One Free concept. Then she had to have someone show her how to run the rewards checks. Again. And then I always get this one chick that bags my groceries. I'm all for hiring the mentally challenged but I wish they would please please please teach their baggers that they don't put a gallon of milk on top of a bag of grapes. For real. And she always rolls down the top of the bags so when the cashier has to see if I actually got a certain item for a coupon the bags have to be opened one at a time to find the object. It's exhausting and I can feel the animosity like a tsunami from the people behind me. But... I still walked away with a cartful for $3. ;)

Dd has a playdate this afternoon. The house is a wreck. I've got a 9:30 appt this morning to go "under the knife". I have no idea what to expect but I know it's going to hurt like hell. And for some reason the master bath smells like a greyhound terminal men's room. Not to imply that I've ever been in a greyhound terminal men's room but I'm sure it couldn't smell much worse. At least my feet aren't sticking to the floor.
My dad is sick. My friend's mom is having a liver biopsy. Another friend is pissed at me beyond reason. Dh is nagging me about starting the tiling. And I haven't started working on my anthology project.

Kill me now.

I wonder what happened to my parents. I remember back in the 60's my mom would take art lessons, she was a den mother for the cub scouts, and she had friends. We had a house that could have graced the pages of any architectural magazine. It was quite a showplace and my dad built it. I remember we used to visit the Grosses at their greenhouse and the Martin's up the hill. The Baker's and the Reiling's. Right across the dirt road, Black Brook Road, was the house where dad was born. A mile down the road there was a dairy farm.
Then one day someone bought the tract of land next to our place and built a house right on the property line. Then the Bowers' sold their dairy farm to a housing developer and a huge subdivision was carved out of the fields. My parents decided to move.
We bought a farm in upstate PA. 437 acres. The nearest neighbour was exactly one mile away. Our mailbox was two miles away. Interestingly enough the Reilings had also moved to the same area a year or two before. We met new people. The Barkers. The Cornells. Most of the families were related somehow. Mom would have a craft day so the little Cornell girls could come over and I'd have someone to play with. But that didn't last too long. Pretty soon it was just me and my pony. I can't remember spending too much time with my brother. After that it was a flurry of moving back and forth. NJ, PA, VA, NC. Somewhere along the line my mom started taking art classes again. The old neighbours from the house in Jersey, the Grosses and the Bakers, all live within 30 minutes of them now in VA. My NJ cousin's widow lives about 45 minutes away. My mom's sister and her huge family live about 45 minutes away. And my cousin, from NJ, lives probably 20 minutes from me here in VA but hasn't spoken to me in years.
It's weird how we were surrounded by the same people throughout my lifetime no matter where we moved.
The irony of this is that my parents do not consider any of these people friends but merely acquaintances. Exactly how many years does one need to socialize with someone before they are considered a friend?
So, how did my parents get to where they are now? They have isolated themselves and have no "friends". They have become hoarders despite having moved umpteen times. I don't get it.

It's been nearly two years since I started a novel during NaNoWriMo. I think I'm finally ready to get back to it and see if there is anything there. The old novel is still in the back of my mind but it's not going anywhere. It's hard for me to get inspired by cadaver dogs and floaters these days.

So...I joined a writers' group today. They were holding a meeting at the central library and I sat in. They have a formal meeting once a month but try to have informal coffee chats twice a month as well. The main goal is to produce a finished work. Right now they are working on an anthology and the deadline is November 15th. I'll be deep in the throes of NaNoWriMo again at that time. I hope. Last year I didn't make it past the first week. Pitiful. This year I have no other time suck so I should be able to pound out 1,000 - 1,500 words a day. I might not be able to do it on the weekends when dd and dh are monster distractions but maybe if I stay up late after they all crash I could get something done. I would love to get back into the habit of writing everyday. I think I'll start tomorrow with some exercises. Hopefully someone will kick me in the butt should I stop.

I've recently been handed some lemons. I'm not sure what to do with them.
Should I make lemonade and see it as a freeing experience?
Or should I eat them whole and shiver in their sourness?
I'm really not sure.
No more responsibility. No more peer pressure. No more stoicism when coworkers are losing their shit. Sounds good, but there is a price. I hate to admit that I've wasted yet another large chunk of my life. That's what stings. To be so completely buffaloed after all that time. And, yes, I do feel cheated. All that time...all that effort...all that stress. For absolutely nothing. I never expected the venom to be so vile. I tricked myself into thinking that I truly belonged because I wanted to so badly.
So, I'm back where I started and probably none the wiser. Determined to try harder but probably even more cautious and armor clad than before.

I have cable. I have had cable here for seven years. Comcast decided that they needed to add some kind of box on the back of my house. Apparently it was a new law or building requirement or some other crap that the cable had to be grounded before it entered the house. Ok. I can understand that. But...my cable works.

The cable guy came out, talked to me like I was four years old, and proceded to mash my irises into paste. Totally obliterated them. He damn near took out my new pieris japonica, too. The daylily bed looks like an elephant took a casual stroll thru it. The last time the guy came out he had to use my phone. This time I had to go scare up the big extension cord....the big orange monster. I think he just didn't want to walk back to his truck. I left him to do his thing and next thing I know he's just strolling thru my house. I ask him what he needs and he just says "Can I go out this door?" Yeah buddy. Don't let it hit you in the ass.

He left and I went outside to view the carnage. He left the fence gate open. The dog was gone. He just left the extension cord laying in the daylilies. He left his cable spool on top of the heat pump. And destroyed the flower bed.

Verizon and the electric company came out today to mark their buried cables. The verizon guy plowed thru the same freaking flowerbed and snapped off a 3 ft stalk from my cardinal flower. Not just snapped. Twisted and snapped. And their line isn't buried there.

I got on the phone with comcast and repeated the same thing that I said to the cable guy when he was here a week or so ago. There is no need to lay a cable from the road to my house and thru all of my landscaping. There is already a cable there that worked just fine. Connect to the old cable and run it under the house (where I have nothing growing), to the new box and then back to the tv where the psycho drilled a hole up thru the floor...thru the berber carpet. Asshat. Did he remove the old cable that came in thru the wall? No. It's still there. Not attached to anything. Lovely.

Of course the customer service rep couldn't help me.

That's what my breasts feel like now. Mudflaps. Yesterday was bloody awful. And I get to repeat it all again in 6 months. They found two cysts that apparently have a bit of junk in them. Rather than heading straight for a biopsy they are going to remeasure them in 6 months to see if they have gotten bigger or "louder".

The mammogram that I had last month was a walk in the park compared to what I got yesterday. I wish I could make a joke about how it felt but I can't. It just wasn't funny.

Vulgar, yes, but true.

This has been one suck ass week. Sunday evening we went next door for a cookout with our new neighbours. It was quite nice actually. Dd was well behaved. A stellar moment in her brief life thus far. Sunday night the headache arrived. It pounded and stabbed and gouged at the back of my eyeballs.

Ok...since I started writing this dd has interrupted me to whine about being hungry so I gave her a banana. I sat back down and before I could put fingertips to keyboard she was back whining because she couldn't get the banana open. (3:08)

On Monday morning I still had the headache. I got up and watered my plants outside as it promised to be a humdinger of a day. Never made it to the garden. Cramps doubled me over. Excruciating cramps. Cramps like you wouldn't believe. Then came the nausea. All the while dd was begging to play anything I would agree to.

I had to stop and load a dvd for dd. It wasn't working. We ended up putting Shiloh in instead. That's right. I parked my kid in front of the tv (3:23)

Where was I? Oh, yeah. (4:02)

Uhmmm. So, cramps, nausea, headache. I had to lay down for a little while. Dd was able to make her own lunch. She brought me a glass of cranberry juice and I was able to take some ibuprofen. I must have taken a dozen that day. I called dh up and asked him to come home early. My legs began to hurt like an infected tooth. A steady pain. My RLS kicked in and I had to keep moving my legs or they would hurt even moreso. Dd came in to read me some stories and keep me company. I was so weak. My arms felt like lead and I could barely stand. It was at least 80 degrees in the house but I had chills. Dd said I was hot. Dh came home around 3:30....earlier than expected. He fixed dinner for himself and dd. I couldn't eat. I drank some more cranberry juice and ate some more ibuprofen. It just wasn't taking the edge off. Taking a shower was shaky business. I decided to watch some House since I couldn't sleep. Dh and dd were watching it in the livingroom so he helped me settle in the lazyboy, got me a bite or two of a baked potato (which I couldn't finish) ............(10:42)

Tuesday I woke up with the headache. Dd and I laid around all day watching tv. TCM was showing Louis Jordan (sp?) movies beginning with GiGi. I had ibuprofen for lunch. Yummy, but still not working. I took an alka-seltzer cold at bedtime and I was out for the count. I swear that stuff works better than Lunestra.

Wednesday I awoke with the same headache but no more muscle aches, no more nausea, but I still cramped whenever I ate something other than ibuprofen. Guess how much weight I lost over those three days. Go ahead....guess! I gained two pounds.

Thursday hasn't been bad. The headache is flitting around on the edges of my brain. I'm able to eat again. In fact I thought I'd have a square of my $3 candy bar and a freaking damned earwig ran out of it when I opened the wrapper. Pissed ain't the word.

Tomorrow morning I have to get up bright and early and go back to radiology and get my boobs flattened again. Very unflattering. I can't imagine that job. Handling other people's sweaty boobs all day. I don't even want to handle my own. ick. I have to get a bilateral ultrasound, too. I guess they have to see if the "suspicious" areas are fluid filled or have garbage in them. I'm very anxious and agitated over the whole thing. Dh had made plans to go fishing with his buddy tomorrow leaving me high and dry with no support. The guy's infant got sick today so he took off work but will make it up tomorrow thus cancelling the fishing trip. Lucky me. I swear the outpouring of love and concern is suffocating me.

Well, that's it. I think I'll go eat a few alka-seltzers and see if I can find Mash on tv. (11:02)

It's 12:31, June 15th. The last day of school. Dd gets out 2 hours early today at 12:50. She'll be bursting through the door around 1:15-1:20. I'm so not ready for summer vacation.

Well, I'm sitting here waiting for the cable guy to show up. Could be a long wait. I shant hold my breath. You would have thought something catastrophic had occurred Monday night when dh discovered that we no longer had all of our beloved cable channels. He was pulling plugs and switching boxes and fiddling with this, that, and the other to no avail. "DAMN IT!" punctuated the otherwise quiet house nearly every 30 seconds. He was very adamant with his instructions this morning as he left for work: Stay by the phone. They will call before coming out. If you go out to the garden TAKE THE PHONE WITH YOU.

There are very few things that rattle dh's cage. The cable going out is the biggie. He goes nuts when the electricity goes out but that's only because the television doesn't operate without it I suspect. His other biggies? Ok, since you asked.

1. Ketchup
2. Mayo
3. Being late

Not necessarily in that order. But when the power goes out......holy hell! We have a phone specifically for calling the power company when the power goes out since our cordless won't work without electricity. It's #1 on the speed dial. Nope, not poison control, hospital, or fire department. Not even Mom. The power company. The keeper of the eternal flame. But what is electricity without television? In our household they are one in the same. If there is power and dh is home then the tv will be on. A very simple equation. Power + dh = television. Man, if they don't show up today dh may have a stroke.

I got less than 5 hours sleep last night. I really just want to crawl back into bed but I have way too much to do. I had planned on painting the wall in the kitchen and doing some additional spackling in the hallway but that may need to wait.

Yesterday I poured the preslope in the shower. That was a tough job. My hands still hurt. I'm glad I put down a layer of thinset mortar first. The 1/4 inch gauge came in handy for getting the pitch right. The pitch isn't equal all the way around but it'll have to do. As long as the water finds it's way to the drain if the membrane should fail is all that matters. I don't know how long it's going to take to cure. It's rather humid so it may be awhile.

I need to go get my vitamin D prescription refilled. I should do that today. I haven't had one in a couple of weeks. I need to go to Petco and get some advantage for the animals. The cats are scratching a lot and I don't need any ticks loose in the house. Those little beastie cats are all over the neighbourhood anymore. I had four join me on my walk back from the schoolbus this morning. Grendal is the only one who will walk with dd and me to the bus. The others wait until she's gone.

This is the last week of school and three of those days are early release. I'm trying to set up some activities for the kid for summer but having very little luck. I registered her for Junior Rangers at Pocohontas. I think we may sign up for ice skating camp as well. We'll see. She's all excited about our upcoming trip to D.C. We'll be going to the zoo and Smithsonian. She's been drawing pictures of the Washington Monument and the mall and reading about the Lincoln Memorial. She's ready, lol! Dh wants to go to the Holocaust Museum and I want to go to the Botanical Garden. I guess we'll be there for 3 or 4 days. Dh just called and said he's booking the room today. We'll be going to Williamsburg for a week in July and Kitty Hawk for a week in August. I guess we have summer nailed down.

Busy, busy, busy.

I finally caved. I went to the imaging center on 5/25 and had a mammogram done. It was unpleasant. But not as unpleasant as getting a letter in the mail reporting that the "examination showed a finding that requires additional imaging studies". Lovely. They want me back in as soon as possible for additional xrays and an ultrasound.
I also had my foot xrayed. They found nothing wrong with it. I don't know why it still hurts to walk on it if there's nothing wrong. Maybe they got my xrays mixed up and they found a greenstick fracture in my left boob.

Watching LOST last night made me think of all the different realities that may have occurred had I done things differently in my life.

What if I had stuck it out with Tom and we eventually got married? I'm certain we would be divorced by now. Quite possibly HIV positive or some other nasty STD to boot. I'd probably still be tending bar somewhere in Roanoke and renting a crappy apartment and pining away for 3081. Dodged that bullet.

What if I had stuck it out with David? We'd be living paycheck to paycheck. Living on the boat and camping out in the woods. I'd have a crappy job and he'd spend all of our money on drugs or engine parts. I wouldn't be able to hang out with my friends because he wouldn't be able to control me. Dodged that bullet.

What if I had stuck it out with Wayne? I'd be living in a really nice house overlooking Smith Mountain Lake. We'd go skiing in BC. We'd have wild parties in the summer for the college students in his classes. I'd miss my cats terribly since he wouldn't let me keep any at the house. And I'd always wonder if he was sleeping with one of his students. He'd probably arrange a job for me. I'd be babysitting his grandchildren. His son is older than me. Not my idea of a good time.

What if I had stuck it out with Mike? Moot. I would never have stuck it out with Mike. He was a wacko.

What if I had tried to make it work with Jimmy? I'd still be living at my beloved Sweet Apple. I'd have chickens, ducks, goats, a horse. I cry sometimes with the loss of that house. I never should have sold it. I wouldn't have gone to Greece and Italy. I don't want to think about this particular "what if" anymore.

What if I had stayed in New Jersey at my programming job? I'd be knocking down some serious bucks right now. I'd be paying for outrageous car insurance and rent. I'd be stressed out. I'd be hanging out with my brother and drinking heavily no doubt. Money isn't everything.

What if I had married Doug? I'd be renting a crappy little mill house. I'd be raising his son from a different marriage. I'd still be working for that sexist asshole...no...I'd have quit anyway or been fired. I'd probably still be pining for Jim in the real estate office and wondering "what if" he had fallen in love with me instead. There would have been no reason for Doug to stalk me. And he would have never married his current wife in retaliation. Another wacko.

What if? What if? What if?

Well, as it turns out Jim in the real estate office did fall in love with me. Thank God! He hates cats but he knows they make me happy so he allows himself to be surrounded by them. We live in a nice house where I pretty much have free rein to do whatever the hell I want with it. I come and go as I please. If I want to go back to school I can. If I want to get a job I can. We're raising our daughter together and he pitches in whenever he can. I can bitch about how he does everything half-assed....like....he never completely unloads the dishwasher....or, he only gets his stuff out of the dryer or only folds his clothes...or, helps out in the garden only to create more work for me... but that is piddly ass stuff and in the grand scheme of things doesn't mean squat. I wouldn't trade this reality for anything.

How does thy garden grow? It's raining. Again. My garden is woefully lacking this year. The peas just started to bloom and look absolutely beautiful. I think I'll have a really nice crop this year. The tomato plants aren't exactly busting loose. I planted 13 (shit I'm so brain dead anymore) Italian drying tomatoes. Principe Borghese. Cripes. I just spent 5 minutes trying to remember that name and then POW it's right there. Two of them withered up and died immediately. The rest are just poking along. I really don't need that many plants because I still have quite a few left over from the last harvest but Rocky (our hen) will dispatch quite a few I'm sure. I think I'll try something different with the way I stake them this year. The spiral tomato stakes were a big joke last year. I was thinking of getting some rigid PVC pipe, drilling some holes thru it, and feeding a clothesline wire (the plastic coated kind) thru it. Kind of like espalier or however it's spelled. It would keep the fruit off the ground at least. PVC is cheap and won't rot. Tomato cages just don't work with them.

I also have lemon cucumbers growing up a trellis this year. The boxwire fence didn't work out very well last year. Too vertical I think. I broke apart the old compost bin (?) that was rotting behind the garage. Half of it was still in pretty good shape so I lugged it over to the garden. It is spanning the path between two of the raised beds so hopefully the cukes will climb up one side and squash will climb up the other. It looks like a couple of volunteer lemon squash came up just in the right place. They are also heirlooms.
Oh gak. The cat just puked. Lovely.

I also planted a dozen pepper plants. They are doing well. The brussels sprounts are just not doing anything. The cabbage is tattered since the chicken enjoys it so. I only had a tiny bit of spinach germinate and it had just gotten to a nice picking stage when the chicken found it. It was succulent and I was already salivating over it and then it was gone. Completely. Evil bird. She doesn't seem to think too much of the lettuce. I've got plenty of that. I planted a single row of string beans the other day. I saw Rocky down in the garden this morning so I imagine it has sprouted and she was tasting them. I called her to the house. She slowly walked in my direction until I rattled the cheese cracker box and then she was airborne. She's a cracker ho.

Not much else in the garden. I planted some dahlias down there. I had some volunteer cosmos show up. A single volunteer marigold. A very sturdy volunteer sunflower. I moved some iris down there as well since it was being overrun in the border garden. I have one bed left that is covered with black plastic and I really need to get my squash planted. I'm thinking I might just cut holes in the plastic and have at it. The weeds are almost gone. It sure would make harvest a breeze. But then I'd have to mulch the hell out of the plastic so the plants wouldn't cook. Either or. This, of course, is dependent upon the rain and if I'll ever be able to get into the garden again. I've been putting pine needles on the paths but it still floods down there. I think I need to invest in some hip waders. Or maybe just switch to hydroponics.

What's worse than a wet dog? A longhaired cat soaked to the bone that wants to cuddle.

My head is splitting. Dd pushed me over the edge yesterday and my head started to pound. I took a bunch of ibuprofen but it didn't touch the pain. Since dh is doing the BOE (Board of Equalization: where homeowners bitch about their assessments and present their case to get it lowered and dh explains how he arrived at their assessment) thing this week I had to take dd to soccer practice. The last soccer practice of the season. All the parents who showed up were supposed to scrimmage against the kids. I declined. "The Crane"'s mama showed up late and I don't think she grasped the concept of the scrimmage. She jumped right in and promptly kicked my kid and knocked her down. Dd is 7. Dh was playing, too, and having a great time. Meanwhile, the mama's 4 yo dd decided to entertain me. I should have just left.

I took the long way home to clear my head and some punk ran a red light and nearly hit me. I slammed on the brakes and he drove away oblivious as hell. Not my day.

Woke up this morning with the same headache. I think dd must have sensed how close I was to the edge and decided to leave me alone. Dh must have read the riot act to her yesterday on the way home from practice because she didn't give me any grief at all this a.m. She even made her bed without being told. Not that my telling her to do something would mean it got done. Quite the contrary. Her friend Lauren is having a birthday party in a couple of weeks and dh must be dangling that over her head. I doubt she'll be attending. She won't be able to help herself. I doubt if she can maintain the whole day. I'm too much of a temptation for her.

What else? I'm on Vitamin D therapy and it's making me sick. I don't know if it has anything to do with my headaches or if the headaches are making me nauseated instead of the pills. I take one 50K iu pill a week.

I'm also on a diet. I had gotten down to 132 (with a target weight of 125) but since I started the diet I'm back up to 137. Go figure.

I haven't heard any peepers yet so I guess not. Three times thru glass according to some old wives.

Made a sponge cake this morning. Pineapple/orange. Not even a hint of carob. I'm sure dh will find something wrong with it anyway. He's good at that.

In the process of making bread sans bread machine. First time I ever used the dough hook on the KA. They sure got a workout today. I had both going on the sponge cake. I dragged out the kneading board that Dad made. I love that thing. It has a lip that grabs onto the edge of the table so when I knead the dough the board stays put.
I'm making English Muffins. first time. I'm quivering in anticipation.

I must have an ear or sinus infection again. My teeth are killing me and my ear is itching like crazy. Ibuprofen isn't touching the pain. It's going to make eating the english muffins interesting but I'm willing to grimace and bear it.

Little squirrel wasn't very enthusiastic with brekkie. He's sleeping now and I haven't heard a peep. It's about time to reheat the rice pack. I hope the little bugger pulls through. Nibble the cat climbed up the sweet gum tree to get a squirrel and ran across the nest and babies quite by accident. The mama squirrel tried her best to lure Nibble away but he wasn't playing. He raked the babies out sending them plummeting to the ground. He picked them up and carried them to the azalea clearing and munched down on one immediately. The other he decided to play with for a bit. He soon grew tired and walked away.
On the way to walking dd to the school bus I checked out the carnage and found the little baby still alive with relatively few injuries. I don't expect it to make it unfortunately. It's been eating the puppy formula I've mixed up but not with any great gusto. It's just so tiny. The eyes haven't opened yet and the ears are just starting to open. Baby is still hairless as well. I wish there was some way to get mama and baby back together.

You're gonna cringe when I say this but here goes: I've got 8 cats in the house right now. Yes, I said 8, E I G H T.

• Grendal
• Smudge
• Pip
• Toast
• Orville
• & Wilbur

They are the kittens that I picked up down the road on Halloween. There presence was enough to send Tootsie packing. She moved next door. The new neighbours had just moved in and they left the door open since it was such a nice day... to air the house out and all. Tootsie saw it as an invitation and moved on in. They found her asleep in their bed. That didn't last long and she soon became an "outdoor" cat. She would thumb her nose at us occasionally but keep her distance. Two nights ago it started to sleet and snow. It was really cold so she decided to grace us with her presence once more. It's still cold out. She's currently in the bedroom in her old bed and loving every minute of it.

Nibble doesn't want to sleep in the house that dh built for them either. He's asleep on the chair behind me. Nibble and Tootsie hate each other so they have to be kept separated. The kittens reside in the sunroom most of the time but are allowed to run rampant thru the house when the other cats are outside. They have to stay in the sunroom when Tootsie is visiting. They love Uncle Nibble and won't leave him alone to eat which pisses him off. Literally. He'll start marking his territory throughout the house if all the kittens are out. He tolerates Toast though. Which is good because Toast doesn't like to stay in the sunroom and will throw himself against the french doors repeatedly until I either spray him with water or let him out because he's becoming waterlogged.

And that's how it is at the House of Dander.