What if?

Watching LOST last night made me think of all the different realities that may have occurred had I done things differently in my life.

What if I had stuck it out with Tom and we eventually got married? I'm certain we would be divorced by now. Quite possibly HIV positive or some other nasty STD to boot. I'd probably still be tending bar somewhere in Roanoke and renting a crappy apartment and pining away for 3081. Dodged that bullet.

What if I had stuck it out with David? We'd be living paycheck to paycheck. Living on the boat and camping out in the woods. I'd have a crappy job and he'd spend all of our money on drugs or engine parts. I wouldn't be able to hang out with my friends because he wouldn't be able to control me. Dodged that bullet.

What if I had stuck it out with Wayne? I'd be living in a really nice house overlooking Smith Mountain Lake. We'd go skiing in BC. We'd have wild parties in the summer for the college students in his classes. I'd miss my cats terribly since he wouldn't let me keep any at the house. And I'd always wonder if he was sleeping with one of his students. He'd probably arrange a job for me. I'd be babysitting his grandchildren. His son is older than me. Not my idea of a good time.

What if I had stuck it out with Mike? Moot. I would never have stuck it out with Mike. He was a wacko.

What if I had tried to make it work with Jimmy? I'd still be living at my beloved Sweet Apple. I'd have chickens, ducks, goats, a horse. I cry sometimes with the loss of that house. I never should have sold it. I wouldn't have gone to Greece and Italy. I don't want to think about this particular "what if" anymore.

What if I had stayed in New Jersey at my programming job? I'd be knocking down some serious bucks right now. I'd be paying for outrageous car insurance and rent. I'd be stressed out. I'd be hanging out with my brother and drinking heavily no doubt. Money isn't everything.

What if I had married Doug? I'd be renting a crappy little mill house. I'd be raising his son from a different marriage. I'd still be working for that sexist asshole...no...I'd have quit anyway or been fired. I'd probably still be pining for Jim in the real estate office and wondering "what if" he had fallen in love with me instead. There would have been no reason for Doug to stalk me. And he would have never married his current wife in retaliation. Another wacko.

What if? What if? What if?

Well, as it turns out Jim in the real estate office did fall in love with me. Thank God! He hates cats but he knows they make me happy so he allows himself to be surrounded by them. We live in a nice house where I pretty much have free rein to do whatever the hell I want with it. I come and go as I please. If I want to go back to school I can. If I want to get a job I can. We're raising our daughter together and he pitches in whenever he can. I can bitch about how he does everything half-assed....like....he never completely unloads the dishwasher....or, he only gets his stuff out of the dryer or only folds his clothes...or, helps out in the garden only to create more work for me... but that is piddly ass stuff and in the grand scheme of things doesn't mean squat. I wouldn't trade this reality for anything.