Jim just took Tuco to the vet to be executed. Poor old dog has been yelping at night and wandering around out in the cold. He doesn't get up to do his business any more and will pee all over himself. He's shivering non-stop. I moved the portable heater that I use on my feet into the library for him this morning but it didn't seem to do much for him. He hasn't been eating. I saw him get a drink but his stomach is bloated, according to Jim, and he's not passing much. Poor old dog. He can barely see, hears very little, and has a hard time getting around. He's been spending a lot of time down by the garden fence. The sun hits it and reflects the heat and the dogs and chickens go down there during the day to take advantage of the warmth. He was down there for hours yesterday, leaning back on it with his muzzle to the sun. Poor old dog. I got up at four something last night to spend time with him and settle him down. He was crying. He finally went to sleep and I wrapped him in his blanket. His breathing is very slow. Slower than mine. I really thought he would die last night. I finally went back to bed at 5:15 when it was apparent that he was asleep. Poor old dog. Jim took him in the big cat carrier on his favorite blanket. I pet his head and made much of him and told him goodbye and that I was sorry. It's a hard decision to make but I think I can safely say there is absolutely no quality of life left. I made Jim promise that he would pet his head while they were giving him the needle and to stay with him while he died. Hopefully Tuco won't be too afraid. I hated taking Bastet. She was afraid of the people, the other animals, the smell, the sounds. But she could no longer move around and was peeing on herself, too. For a few days I rolled her bed to the potty tray and she was able to drag herself in and out but eventually that proved too difficult for her. She missed Goliath too much and didn't want to live any more.
And so now Jim is going to go through what I did with her. I couldn't stand to go through it again. It's not an entirely peaceful way to go. So, Tuco will be buried in the back yard next to Chigliak. He'll be in a spot where his remains won't be disturbed. Jim and I got Tuco before we were married. He was a pound hound in Danville. Already an adult and now about fifteen years later he's finally giving out. Plagued with seizures and skin problems, it's a wonder he lasted this long. He would have been the world's worst hunting dog. I'd have to laugh every time I saw him "chasing" a squirrel. I'd see a squirrel go hippity hopping across the patio, say from left to right, and then Tuco would run through baying at the top of his lungs, going in the opposite direction. The dog couldn't catch a cold. He was loud and smelly but I'll still miss him.
Poor old dog. When I told Alex what was going to happen to Tuco today she said he's been mostly dead for years. She's right. I thought he was going to cash in his chips a long time ago.
Our neighbour Charlie will miss him. He always calls Tuco, old dog Jack.

Well, I guess I can't say too much more about Tuco. Named for Eli Wallach's character in the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Tuco Ramirez. Our Corgi is named after the Clint Eastwood role, Blondie. And now we have a mishmash terrier named after another Clint Eastwood character, Dirty Hairy Callahan. I wonder if the other dogs will miss Tuco or wonder where he's gone. They both knew he wasn't well. They never bothered him or tried to play with him. I guess they knew he wasn't interested in that stuff. They never tried to take away his food either. It was as if they respected him a little bit. I'd like to think so any way. Old dog Jack. Poor old dog.
That'll be it for dogs for awhile. No more animals. Even though Alvin, the cat from two doors down, is trying very hard to become a member of our family. Jim has drawn the line.
Goodbye Tuco.

Prompt: New name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

Cat. That's who I used to be. I liked her. She was a lot of fun. But then she got married and got serious and had a child and somehow the middle aged married mom swallowed her whole. Sometimes she tries to get out but the mum in sensible shoes is able to squash her back down where no one can see or hear her anymore.
I miss her.

Prompt: 5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

2010 was a bad year. If I could wipe it out of my mind I'd do so. Even so, my entire five minutes would be made up of images of our vacation in Banner Elk, NC. We had done the touristy stuff the year before. This year was just hiking the trails. It had apparently rained quite well right before we arrived and there were water falls everywhere. Every fissure in the great slabs of rock that lined the road ways were weeping. Having left our area that was deep in the clutches of a hot, baking drought, the intense green of the Blue Ridge Parkway took my breath away. Every surface was cool and moist, emerald green moss and delicate ferns were everywhere. The difference was like night and day. I remember one morning we hiked up to a lookout and to get there we had to walk through a fairly thin woods. It was so quiet. The clouds were low, around my ankles low. The swirling mist felt good against my face. I felt like I was the only one on the mountain that morning. When we finally got to the lookout we could see nothing but dense cloud cover. You could barely make out the shapes of trees below us. My husband and my daughter and I decided to have our lunch early, sitting on the cool stones, waiting for the sun to burn off the morning mist. A lady from Ohio stopped by, we chatted for a bit, and then the fog swallowed her up. Once again we were alone. It was an odd feeling. I rather liked it. I imagined myself living in the area and taking walks like that every day. Having a small farm with a horse, chickens, a big garden. A creek running through it. It sounds like heaven to me. I swear if school wasn't an issue I'd start looking for a piece of property right now. On the desktop of my computer I have our local weather listed as well as Banner Elk. Plus, I can pull up the weather cam, http://www.highcountrywebcams.com/hwy184/livecam.html, and see what's going on downtown. They've decorated for Christmas. That's another thing about the area...Christmas trees...everywhere you look. I believe it must be one of the main sources of income for the area.
Well, I'm sure that my five minutes is up and there's much more that I want to remember about that week. It was wonderful. Kind of offset the rest of the 2010 suckfest to make it bearable. I bet they have snow up to their ass by morning.

School is canceled tomorrow on threat of snow. The kidlet is happy. I'm looking forward to a nice lie in. I've got to make cookies tomorrow. I bought a ham today and I might just throw that bad boy in the oven, too. No formal Christmas ham here. That will be at Jim's grandfather's house. Ham biscuits the size of postage stamps and every sweet known to man. This weekend is the white elephant party. woohoo. Small woo. Let's just say, it's not my thing. I usually have to leave the party at some point just to wander around and check out the artwork. It's at the clubhouse in the gated community where Jim's mom and new husband live. Unfortunately, there's not that much artwork. It'll be too freaking cold to take off outside.
I guess the impending weather is what brought every crazy in Chesterfield out to the supermarket. Kroger was slammed packed to the gills with people who acted as if they were the only ones shopping. Wall to wall. I helped one lady wrestle 150 pounds of dogfood into her cart. She was very pleasant. And joked around with an older lady about the run on cheese. The shelves were bare! Most every one else was in a foul mood it seemed. I guess Christmas means something different to them than it does to me.
Picked up some stocking stuffers for my kidlet. No giant box of nerds this year. I think she still has the box from last year. She has candy stashed all over the place. Halloween candy, christmas candy, and even valentines candy. And not just crap candy either. The kid has CHOCOLATE BARS for pete's sake. It's all I can do to keep myself from flipping her room in search of a kitkat. Hopefully she'll keep that willpower until she's old and gray.
Candy hoarder. I guess there are worse things to be.

Prompt: Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

That would have to be the husband. Every once in awhile he disappoints me but he never lets me down. He's one of those long suffering types. I don't know how to express gratitude for him. He gets mad when you thank him or make much of him. I make cookies that I know he'll like, cook his favourite meal occasionally, make sure he has clean clothes. There's not much you can do for him that will illicit any kind of response. He's a flatliner. So the best I can hope to do is just make sure stuff is done around the house. If there is something I'm not doing he tends to tell me. Yeah, sometimes I feel like the help but what the hell. I can do whatever I want. I don't have to punch a clock anywhere...well...besides 7:00 p.m. So I am grateful that he goes to work every day and makes sure that the kidlet and I are healthy, have whatever pills we need, that sort of thing. It doesn't sound like much but I am very thankful that he is in my life.

Prompt: Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

WTF? I'm not really sure what this prompt means. The only thing I can think of that might even relate to this is the way I felt after hiking to the top of a trail on the
Blue Ridge Parkway and having a stunning view. Heart beating, legs aching, a good steady breeze in my face, and clean fresh crisp air filling my lungs.
That's it.

Some of these prompts aren't speaking to me. It's 3:42, cold and rainy, and it looks like 6:00. In a bit I'll need to get up and take the camera outside so I can chase off the vultures. The neighbour killed a deer and threw the carcass in his backyard. The hundred or so vultures that come to roost in my front yard every night have no reason to even leave now. Dumbass. They don't like the camera flash at all and it really drives them in a tizzy. It's an awesome sound to have that many large birds taking off at once, crashing through the treetops, hissing. Kind of freaky, too. If I miss the small window of opportunity they will be there all night. I hate to disturb Pip who is asleep on my lap. She throws off a tremendous amount of heat. I wish I could get her to sleep on my feet at night. :o)

December 11 – 11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

1. Continuing with my packrat mentality. I'm not a hoarder like my parents but I feel a moral obligation to reduce, reuse and recycle. It kills me to have to buy things at the grocery store that are packaged in #5 or #6 plastic because I can't recycle that stuff. I try to reuse it for seed trays and what not but honestly, there's just too much of it. I'll use a ziplock baggie nearly 20 times before it goes in the trash. Just knowing that it'll still be around long after I'm dead does my head in. So, in 2011 I will do my best not to buy items that are overpackaged or in something that I can't recycle.
2. Too much alone time. I can very easily fall into a cycle that keeps me home, only going out when I need to pick up milk or whatever. In 2011 I'll try to get out more.
3. More books. I love books. I feel better when surrounded by books. But I have to stop adding to the stash. I think deep down I'm compensating for something that is lacking. I need to find out what that something is and stop building my wall of books.

Ok, three is about it for me. There are other things I'd like to eliminate from my life in 2011 but unfortunately I'm stuck there. Grin and bear it type stuff. Besides, this exercise in negativity is counter productive in my opinion. I really don't have that much in my life that I feel needs to be eliminated. I guess that's a good thing.

Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

Not to hang on to the Perlock property for rental income. The house (two apartments) sold for a fairly decent price despite the awful real estate economy and the general condition of the building. The extra income would have been nice but it would have been the biggest headache. Something was always needing to be fixed, the renters didn't always pay and had to be taken to court. Having lived there for a few months right when the kidlet was born was enough for me to never want to set foot in that hole again.

Party is the reverb10 prompt for today. I'm just not feeling it. I attended a couple of social events but none rocked my socks off. I much prefer sitting out on the patio with my husband and little girl, building a fire in the firepit and roasting marshmallows after it gets dark. To me it doesn't get much better than that. I like the way my clothes smell of wood smoke, the sound of the fire crackling, the occasional loud pop of a section of bamboo giving way. The dogs fight over custody of the husband's lap. Nevermind that they both weigh over thirty pounds and are about as far away from being lap dogs as you can get. Sometimes even the chickens come around to see what's going on. It's very intimate. We talk, we read, we do the crossword. Sometimes we play cards. I'd take that over some posh soiree any day.

Prompt: Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

Beautiful? Lighting people up? Those phrases would never be used to describe me. Not by anyone. It would be worth a chuckle if it wasn't so pathetic. I've always been a bit dark and serious, not by choice I assure you. Blame it on circumstance. Blame it on geography. Blame it on always being the new kid. Nature versus nurture if you'd like. Last in line of a dysfunctional family. Parents antisocial isolationists. Sociopath siblings. It's a wonder I'm not crouched in a corner playing with my drool. I've never been able to shake that darkness. It clings to me like soot. I smile, I wave, I play nice but it doesn't matter. It's like wearing one of those clear plastic masks that only slightly distort your features. People can see through it and know there's something not quite right underneath. But the thing is, there is no mask. I smile because I'm happy. I wave because I'm friendly. I play nice because that's the right thing to do. Sometimes I feel like there is this giant shadow looming just behind me that threatens people. They look at me as if they can't believe I don't know it's there jibbering just behind my back. There has to be, right? What other explanation is there? Animals love me. If I were evil they'd keep their distance.
I'm married, if you can believe that. He's a wonderful man. He's aware of the darkness, can feel the vibe as he calls it. Like a harmonic dissonance, thrumming just below the level of cognitive perception. That sound, that underlying track, that causes anxiety with no perceptual reason. He has the ability to tune it out. He may be the only one. Or maybe he's just tone deaf. His taste in music is questionable.
My darkness also allows me to see the darkness in others. Those people who dazzle everyone else, the life of the party, but whose eyes are flat and glassy. The ever present smile never reaches them. They're like buttons on a child's rag doll. Lifeless. And they know I can see. The shadow behind me recognizes the depth of their darkness and clutching my spine, sends warning bells off in my head. That's when the hairs raise, the flesh dimples. I wonder what their eyes see. Can they see something in me? Do they think they see a kindred spirit or an adversary?

December 7 – Community Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

I have no community. Ten years ago it was very important to me. I invested a lot of time and energy, put a lot of myself into an online community. It ended very badly, such that I cannot put myself into that situation again. I would like to connect more deeply with local members of nanowrimo. Unfortunately, most people who come out for the writing only do so for the month of November and then go back to their normal lives come December. It would be nice to meet other writers on a regular basis just to kick back. Not necessarily discuss writing, our projects, or other shop talk. Just take a break from being alone. Writing is generally a solitary act but it doesn't have to be. Perhaps something will get started in 2011. I've read at the nano forums that a few people are trying to form a writing club but it looks like it'll be in Richmond. Out of my way. I can't drive in Richmond, especially at night. Not going to happen. I was pushing it just showing up for the nano kickoff party. My eyesight sucks, especially when I get hit with oncoming headlights. That said, if something started up south of Midlo then I'd be all over it.

Prompt: Make.
I really need to pour it on tonight. I've got 12 minutes until Castle comes on and I don't aim to miss it so either I make it or there is an hour's gap between typing. Damn Toast was screaming to go out but as soon as I got to the door he ran away. He wanted to play. He got the boot. Ten minutes to go.
Ok, back to the prompt. What is the last thing I made? does a mess count? a mistake? I made cookies the other day. Harvest Moons. They are really good. Pumpkin puree with some oatmeal and chocolate chips. Pretty healthy as far as cookies go. Before that I made a banana pudding for the troops. They seemed to like it. Before that I made a pile of things to go to Goodwill. Creative-wise I haven't made anything in awhile. I wrote a few scenes for the novel but is that considered making something? I made a clean spot when I dusted the other day. I won't make that mistake again. I made some disparaging remarks to someone. I made a fool of myself. Wow, I'm busy making things all the time. I made a list of things to do. This was on it. I made it around the block this evening walking the dogs with the husband. I made love with said husband last night. I made a promise to be nicer to him since he's in a blue funk. I made a dent in my email backlog. I made the kidlet clean her room. In the spring I made a cucumber fence out of bamboo that I grew myself. It worked a charm. It couldn't hold back the heat unfortunately and the cucumbers dried up but the fence looks really cool. I'll have to come back to this.
Hey! I made it back. How about that? I made myself a cup of tea. Ok, enough of this. What have I made recently...I made cuttings from plants but I didn't really make anything. Just helped with the propogation a bit. But that's certainly nothing creative. I can't honestly say I've made anything worth while lately. What would I like to make? Ah, well, that's a different story. I want to upholster the old chair that I stripped down to the frame last year. I've got the books. I've got the fabric. I've got the tools. I've got the time. I just can't get my hands on the stuffing or padding. I want to finish at least one of the paintings I started. I just got several ideas for future paintings but refuse to start another until one is completed. Maybe this week. While cookie dough is chilling. I want to start making bread at least once a week. It's super easy to make. You just need about 18 hours for it to sit around and ferment. That doesn't involve me.
In order for me to make these things I'll have to find some motivation somewhere. Right now every ounce of motivation I can scrape up is dedicated to writing. I want to finish the novel. I have to finish the novel. It has gotten too convoluted and the story has to be told. Too many things have happened lately that I can't ignore and tempus fugit. And yet, if I sequester myself in that world too many other things will go pear shaped. I've always heard that moderation is key. See, that never worked for me. When I used to draw I would work on whatever had captured my attention and would not move until it was done. Hours bent over a drawing pad. Everything else stopped. If I stopped for anything then the spell would be broken and the work would go unfinished. Same with the paintings that grace my walls. Undone. So, maybe I should make time. I've made all the excuses. I need to find that focal point where time doesn't exist. I used to know where it was, before I had a family, before people depended on me for anything. I need to get back to that place. I have a feeling that if I could find it I'd be able to get the book done. I'd be able to get a lot done. Not just the mundane every day crap that usually doesn't get done but should. I mean meat and potatoes stuff. The book. I made a world. I made people who live there. Now I have to let them become.

December 5 – Let Go.

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I answered this prompt at 750words and it got a bit personal so I can't post it here. I will say that I let go of the idea of having a decent garden during the summer. It's nearly impossible. Drought, bugs, and super hot weather take their toll. Looks like a fall garden is going to be the norm from now on.

I let go of a few books, a few pieces of furniture, my office clothes. Hanging onto clothing that I'll never EVER be able to fit into again because they are nice or because they used to fit doesn't make sense. I know I used to be thin. I know I used to look sharp. That was a long time ago before I had the kidlet. The hips will never be the same. There's more gray hair. Much more. I think I finally let go of my youth as well. It had to happen eventually. Sure beats the alternative.

Prompt: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

By reading. Lots and lots of nonfiction. I had an idea in my head that one of the main characters in my story was going to have sleep disorders. Narcolepsy, REM sleep behaviour disorder, and I needed to find out how these would affect his every day life. It's a fascinating subject. Did you know that bullfrogs don't sleep at all? Who knew? And the brain paralyzes your body during REM sleep so that you won't hurt yourself by acting out your dreams. Reading about this stuff led me to read some of Carl Jung's theories and, of course, a bit of Freud. I wasn't so much interested in what dreams meant but rather why we dream at all. What purpose do dreams serve? By pursuing a wide range of subjects I was able to keep that spark of wonder alive.

On a different note: I baked cookies today. Harvest Moons. Pumpkin puree, oatmeal, chocolate chips, cinnamon. They turned out fantastic. You make them big. Dropped onto the baking sheet by the 1/4 cup. I cut the sugar by about a cup and it was still quite sweet. I'll certainly make them again.

And then: it snowed this evening. Just a light dusting. Hard to believe I had clothes drying on the line today. The jeans didn't dry completely but it was enough to cut the drying time in the machine which is what I was going for. I managed to remember to close the cold frame tonight, too. The swiss chard and lettuce are doing great. The cabbage is beautiful as well. Next year the majority of my gardening is going to be done in the fall after the bugs have dropped dead. No more planting cabbages for the worms.

Since I didn't get a prompt until the second day I thought I'd combine yesterday's and today's so I'd keep up.

December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)

Just about everything I do during the day has absolutely nothing to do with writing. In fact, it seems the moment I decide to write, I seek those tasks. I wish I could eliminate the drudgery that fills each day. Who wouldn't rather dive head first into a story of mystery and intrigue instead of washing clothes and hanging them on the line to dry? Or scaring themselves silly with a twisted tale of terror instead of cleaning the grout in the shower? That is horrific in itself.


December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Short and quick to make the deadline...hiking to a spectacular view in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina....somewhere around Banner Elk. Beautiful country. I felt very close to nature. Everything was so green, so cool and alive. Water rushing across rocks, waterfalls sending vapor into the air, shimmering like diamond dust. Lush carpets of moss and ferns.

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

One Word. So many spring to mind. Chaos. Turmoil. Fail. Cancer. None of them really define the year by themselves. Rick died in the spring. Dad was diagnosed with Prostate cancer this fall. I've gained weight. My vision has worsened. The kidlets soccer team came in dead last. Got ripped off by another half-assed contractor. The vultures are back and the flash batteries are always dead. I failed miserably at NaNoWriMo. I read some really crappy novels...The Alchemist...but I also read some really good ones. I had my very first CT scan to diagnose an apparently undiagnosable pain in my head. It was very painful for quite awhile and finally went away after seeing three doctors and a dentist. Maybe it was stress induced. After a month of agony and seventeen ibuprofen a day I sought relief from professionals. Cha-ching.
Positives? Sure. We had a really nice vacation in Banner Elk, NC. Got the ultimate room. Upstairs, downstairs, balconies with views. Super nice. I love the area. It's absolutely beautiful. That was our second trip there. The hiking, the trails, the fantastic scenery never get old. I think I want to move there. Yes, it is that beautiful. The garden did very well this year. Before the bugs and the extreme heat. The potatoes didn't amount to anything and the cucumbers dried up once the heat kicked in. No amount of watering was going to save them. We got a dog in January. Dirty Hairy Callahan. Awesome mutt. She's noisy and playful and so disheveled all the time. She has taught Blondie how to play which I never thought I'd see. So cute. She's also taught Blondie that veggies taste good. The dog will eat anything. We got her from the Richmond Animal League. I saw her picture online and had to get her. Tuco is still hanging in there. He looks like he died months ago but is still tottering around, hacking and coughing and scratching.
So, yeah, the year has been chaotic. I guess that's the word I'm going to choose. It may not be the best, most succinct word, but it'll work.
What word would I like to use next year at this time to encapsulate 2011? I don't know. It has to be one that conveys creativity, success, friendship, fun, happiness, love, contentment, the realization of dreams, and promise. What's another word for synonym?
How about motivated? That seems to encompass most of the above. Next year I'll finish NaNoWriMo. Next year I'll have an even better garden. Next year I'll go out more and make new friends. I'll get involved. I'll create. I'll finish something that I started! Maybe even finish the book. I'll connect with my daughter. I'll boldly go where no homemaker has gone before. The sky's the limit! Rah! Rah! Rah!
But first...I have to get through December. Day by day. Hour by hour. Word by word. I'll start by creating this habit of 750 words a day. They may not be the forehead slapping, eureka! I've got it words but if I can get into the habit of sitting down and actually typing out three pages a day then next year's nano should be a breeze...provided I have a plot. I've got eleven months to come up with something. An idea should be able to burrow into my brain within that time. And maybe I'll learn to turn off the inner critic, stuff her down in some dark quiet spot. Learn that first drafts don't have to be perfect or even make sense all the time. That the first draft's purpose is to get it down on paper so you can come back later during the rewrite and move things around, nail down some continuity, get from A to Z in a readable, lucid manner. I couldn't do it during the month of November but I should be able to do it over six months.
So, the plan is to finish the 750words.com December challenge and the reverb10.com challenge and create a good habit that will carry on through the next year. That will elevate my self esteem and propel me into the next year where the action word will be MOTIVATION. Next year at this time I'll be writing about the awesomeness that was 2011.

reverb10.com Off with a bang, not a whimper. I didn't find the site until 11:44 so I didn't have much time to write anything. I just got done writing my 750 words for www.750words.com. I will follow one of the prompts tomorrow for the reverb10 challenge. Hopefully it'll become a habit. See you tomorrow!