The house is quiet.

The house is quiet. It ought to be since it's midnight. Too bad it's not quiet in my head. Way too many thoughts zizzing around in there for this hour of the night. I can't seem to formulate a complete thought these days. I can't form a coherent sentence half the time since I've been losing my words.

Summer break is particularly hard on me. My daughter is around me 24/7 and the constant noise sucks all of the energy out of me. The only time I have to recharge with quiet is the middle of the night. I try to read and my mind wanders. It doesn't go anywhere constructive....just goes. Fragments of my past, daydreams of a wishful future, it doesn't matter. I vacillate between admission of complete failure and a surge of spiteful ambition. It lasts a few minutes and then I'm over it. Nothing changes. It just is. I try to pinpoint that moment in life when it all went pear shaped, when I lost whatever drive I had, when I lost my nerve. When I lost my friends. All of my eggs went in one basket. A big no-no but that's what trust is, isn't it? Putting all of your eggs in one basket knowing they'll be safe?

My daughter is becoming beautiful. And while she's book smart, she has no common sense at all. Not a bit. She, like her father, needs constant entertainment...a steady stream of external stimuli. She has completely taken over my computer with her free realm games. I barely have time to play a few games of mahjongg before hitting the sack. Too bad M*A*S*H isn't showing at night anymore. That always calmed me down and put me in a right frame of mind for sleeping. Now I rely on Ambien. I still wake up several times during the night and now I'm having these really vivid bizarre dreams. Damn. I nearly nodded off while writing this. I saw my daughter in Florence...............crap. I have to crash. More tomorrow maybe.