Watching LOST last night made me think of all the different realities that may have occurred had I done things differently in my life.

What if I had stuck it out with Tom and we eventually got married? I'm certain we would be divorced by now. Quite possibly HIV positive or some other nasty STD to boot. I'd probably still be tending bar somewhere in Roanoke and renting a crappy apartment and pining away for 3081. Dodged that bullet.

What if I had stuck it out with David? We'd be living paycheck to paycheck. Living on the boat and camping out in the woods. I'd have a crappy job and he'd spend all of our money on drugs or engine parts. I wouldn't be able to hang out with my friends because he wouldn't be able to control me. Dodged that bullet.

What if I had stuck it out with Wayne? I'd be living in a really nice house overlooking Smith Mountain Lake. We'd go skiing in BC. We'd have wild parties in the summer for the college students in his classes. I'd miss my cats terribly since he wouldn't let me keep any at the house. And I'd always wonder if he was sleeping with one of his students. He'd probably arrange a job for me. I'd be babysitting his grandchildren. His son is older than me. Not my idea of a good time.

What if I had stuck it out with Mike? Moot. I would never have stuck it out with Mike. He was a wacko.

What if I had tried to make it work with Jimmy? I'd still be living at my beloved Sweet Apple. I'd have chickens, ducks, goats, a horse. I cry sometimes with the loss of that house. I never should have sold it. I wouldn't have gone to Greece and Italy. I don't want to think about this particular "what if" anymore.

What if I had stayed in New Jersey at my programming job? I'd be knocking down some serious bucks right now. I'd be paying for outrageous car insurance and rent. I'd be stressed out. I'd be hanging out with my brother and drinking heavily no doubt. Money isn't everything.

What if I had married Doug? I'd be renting a crappy little mill house. I'd be raising his son from a different marriage. I'd still be working for that sexist asshole...no...I'd have quit anyway or been fired. I'd probably still be pining for Jim in the real estate office and wondering "what if" he had fallen in love with me instead. There would have been no reason for Doug to stalk me. And he would have never married his current wife in retaliation. Another wacko.

What if? What if? What if?

Well, as it turns out Jim in the real estate office did fall in love with me. Thank God! He hates cats but he knows they make me happy so he allows himself to be surrounded by them. We live in a nice house where I pretty much have free rein to do whatever the hell I want with it. I come and go as I please. If I want to go back to school I can. If I want to get a job I can. We're raising our daughter together and he pitches in whenever he can. I can bitch about how he does everything half-assed....like....he never completely unloads the dishwasher....or, he only gets his stuff out of the dryer or only folds his clothes...or, helps out in the garden only to create more work for me... but that is piddly ass stuff and in the grand scheme of things doesn't mean squat. I wouldn't trade this reality for anything.

How does thy garden grow? It's raining. Again. My garden is woefully lacking this year. The peas just started to bloom and look absolutely beautiful. I think I'll have a really nice crop this year. The tomato plants aren't exactly busting loose. I planted 13 (shit I'm so brain dead anymore) Italian drying tomatoes. Principe Borghese. Cripes. I just spent 5 minutes trying to remember that name and then POW it's right there. Two of them withered up and died immediately. The rest are just poking along. I really don't need that many plants because I still have quite a few left over from the last harvest but Rocky (our hen) will dispatch quite a few I'm sure. I think I'll try something different with the way I stake them this year. The spiral tomato stakes were a big joke last year. I was thinking of getting some rigid PVC pipe, drilling some holes thru it, and feeding a clothesline wire (the plastic coated kind) thru it. Kind of like espalier or however it's spelled. It would keep the fruit off the ground at least. PVC is cheap and won't rot. Tomato cages just don't work with them.

I also have lemon cucumbers growing up a trellis this year. The boxwire fence didn't work out very well last year. Too vertical I think. I broke apart the old compost bin (?) that was rotting behind the garage. Half of it was still in pretty good shape so I lugged it over to the garden. It is spanning the path between two of the raised beds so hopefully the cukes will climb up one side and squash will climb up the other. It looks like a couple of volunteer lemon squash came up just in the right place. They are also heirlooms.
Oh gak. The cat just puked. Lovely.

I also planted a dozen pepper plants. They are doing well. The brussels sprounts are just not doing anything. The cabbage is tattered since the chicken enjoys it so. I only had a tiny bit of spinach germinate and it had just gotten to a nice picking stage when the chicken found it. It was succulent and I was already salivating over it and then it was gone. Completely. Evil bird. She doesn't seem to think too much of the lettuce. I've got plenty of that. I planted a single row of string beans the other day. I saw Rocky down in the garden this morning so I imagine it has sprouted and she was tasting them. I called her to the house. She slowly walked in my direction until I rattled the cheese cracker box and then she was airborne. She's a cracker ho.

Not much else in the garden. I planted some dahlias down there. I had some volunteer cosmos show up. A single volunteer marigold. A very sturdy volunteer sunflower. I moved some iris down there as well since it was being overrun in the border garden. I have one bed left that is covered with black plastic and I really need to get my squash planted. I'm thinking I might just cut holes in the plastic and have at it. The weeds are almost gone. It sure would make harvest a breeze. But then I'd have to mulch the hell out of the plastic so the plants wouldn't cook. Either or. This, of course, is dependent upon the rain and if I'll ever be able to get into the garden again. I've been putting pine needles on the paths but it still floods down there. I think I need to invest in some hip waders. Or maybe just switch to hydroponics.

What's worse than a wet dog? A longhaired cat soaked to the bone that wants to cuddle.

My head is splitting. Dd pushed me over the edge yesterday and my head started to pound. I took a bunch of ibuprofen but it didn't touch the pain. Since dh is doing the BOE (Board of Equalization: where homeowners bitch about their assessments and present their case to get it lowered and dh explains how he arrived at their assessment) thing this week I had to take dd to soccer practice. The last soccer practice of the season. All the parents who showed up were supposed to scrimmage against the kids. I declined. "The Crane"'s mama showed up late and I don't think she grasped the concept of the scrimmage. She jumped right in and promptly kicked my kid and knocked her down. Dd is 7. Dh was playing, too, and having a great time. Meanwhile, the mama's 4 yo dd decided to entertain me. I should have just left.

I took the long way home to clear my head and some punk ran a red light and nearly hit me. I slammed on the brakes and he drove away oblivious as hell. Not my day.

Woke up this morning with the same headache. I think dd must have sensed how close I was to the edge and decided to leave me alone. Dh must have read the riot act to her yesterday on the way home from practice because she didn't give me any grief at all this a.m. She even made her bed without being told. Not that my telling her to do something would mean it got done. Quite the contrary. Her friend Lauren is having a birthday party in a couple of weeks and dh must be dangling that over her head. I doubt she'll be attending. She won't be able to help herself. I doubt if she can maintain the whole day. I'm too much of a temptation for her.

What else? I'm on Vitamin D therapy and it's making me sick. I don't know if it has anything to do with my headaches or if the headaches are making me nauseated instead of the pills. I take one 50K iu pill a week.

I'm also on a diet. I had gotten down to 132 (with a target weight of 125) but since I started the diet I'm back up to 137. Go figure.